Raspberry Iced M

The Good. The Bad. The Raspy.

  • Hypocritical Raspberry – How Forgiveness Changed Me

    Good morning, Raspberries.

    I wanted to talk to you a little bit about something that has been on my heart.

    I went to a new therapist yesterday, my first appointment. I’ll admit it was a little odd. I have been in therapy off and on for about 25 years. I’m not sure if I should or even can decide, after only one appointment, how this will go, especially with a new therapist. But I remain open, and I think that matters.

    I remember telling my therapist yesterday that my “problems” are no one’s fault but mine. My bad decisions. My poor insight. My misdirection.

    Now, at one point in my life, I’d have denied that entirely. Everything wrong in my life was someone else’s fault. My arguments to that point were always bulleted, buttoned-down, and I assessed blame with very strong conviction.

    That is no longer the case. And I may explain why another time.

    In Matthew Chapter 18, beginning in Verse 21, Jesus and his disciple, Peter, have a short conversation about how many times we, as followers of the Lord, are to forgive people. It seemed to me in the text that Peter must have been feeling a bit convicted himself, when he says, I can only imagine tentatively, “…up to SEVEN TIMES?!?”

    Jesus responds, and I am paraphrasing, “Nope. 77 times.”

    I thought about this as I followed the story. And I almost wonder if Jesus wasn’t matching Peter’s energy here – sarcasm with sarcasm.

    I think what Jesus meant, maybe, was that we aren’t supposed to keep count. I think Jesus wants us to keep forgiving people to a point that we stop counting how many times we’ve been hurt.

    Jesus then offers Peter a parable, and He tells a story about a king who cancels the debt of a servant, at which point that same servant, who was then free, choked a fellow servant because he was owed a much lesser amount of money.

    The king forgave and canceled a significant debt of, say $10,000.00, only for that forgiven servant to try to fight one of his fellow servants over a bill?!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?

    And then I remembered – I’ve done that, too.

    I have asked for forgiveness that I was not willing to return. I’ve been given grace, and then I’ve had the audacity to hold a grudge.

    I talked to someone much wiser than me recently about the concept of forgiveness. And he said, “It’s your job to apologize, and whether they forgive you or not is up to them.”

    And when I asked when I’m allowed to stop feeling guilty for what I’ve done wrong, he very quickly replied, “When people try to throw your past back up in your face, you tell them you’re already forgiven.”

    Wow. There’s no way it can be that easy. I can’t possibly feel better until I’m forgiven by those I’ve wronged, right?

    Not true. Someone else’s lack of forgiveness is their burden to carry. Like the debt-free servant in the Lord’s parable to Peter, MY job is to extend the same forgiveness that has been extended to me, over and over and over.

    And so one of my challenges to you, Raspberry Reader, would be to search your heart for every grudge, every scar, and every grievance, and release it. The weight that comes with a lack of forgiveness is not worth carrying.

    Likewise, none of us are “owed” grace or forgiveness, but since Jesus paid the ultimate price, and since we, as imperfect humans, are forgiven, we need not take personally what another person does to hurt us, intentional or not.

    There are so many unhealed parts of me, and I can start healing by releasing certain aspects of my life, and certain aspects of the lives of others, to the One who Heals. I do not have to do it by myself. And neither do you. He’s better at it anyway. Let Him help you.

  • The Raspberry Mirror Letter

    When I can’t think of what to write – when I’m anxious or when writer’s block hits me like a rough wave – I ask ChatGPT to give me a writing prompt.

    Here’s tonight’s:

    Write to yourself as if you’re looking in the mirror right now. Be brutally honest. Describe what you see, what you hide, what you wished others noticed, and what you’re afraid they might.

    Ouch. As someone who is most critical of herself, this might not end well.

    Hi Raspberry,

    Another $6 Temu shirt and pants that “go” but don’t exactly match, you should probably work on your wardrobe. I know you work from home now, but wearing jeans and make up are still options.

    You know what? Nevermind. Be comfy. You don’t have to impress anyone. But does your wardrobe really reflect who you are?

    In the mirror, which is no longer splattered with toothpaste and spit (thank you for cleaning me), I see a very broken, lonely not-yet-woman. I am not sure why I don’t see you as the grown up you are. It could be that some of your emotions and decisions have been immature. It could also be that at 38 years old you don’t “fit” into anyone’s box. You’re a mystery. A constant internal conflict. A little lost. Melancholy with a generally sad spirit. You’re also blind as a bat now. Your gray hairs are poking out of your scalp, a completely different texture from the rest of your fine, dark hair.

    And what is that baby puke green color on your nails? Did you do that on purpose? LOL!

    You wear your heart on your sleeve and too often open up to the wrong people, while you close yourself off to others. You tend to hide the most honest parts of you for fear of not being accepted, and I know, at your core, all you ever really want is to be accepted. Encouraged to be a better version of yourself while also reassured that who you are is good enough. I guess you’ve never really experienced that, have you?

    But you know what? You’re also kind. You accept criticism with grace, and even often agree with the critic. You are a devoted mother, and only once have you chosen your own happiness over your kids’, and even then, you felt incredibly guilty, which is a good thing. You’re a hard worker and attentive to your obligations. You know how to cook, clean, and take care of other people – even people who cannot or will not give you anything in return.

    And perhaps it is only because you’ve made so many mistakes and you have failed so many times, but Girl, you are the least judgmental person I have ever met, outside of Jesus Himself. I hope you find purpose in listening to others. You give them WAY more leniency than you’ve ever given yourself.

    And I know right now you feel empty. And you feel like it’s all your fault. I know that people like you, who, in their most lost feelings, get up and try again anyway.

    Please remember that there is peace in boredom. There is nothing wrong with you – the real you – no matter how much others criticize you. Please remember that you are forgiven by the Most High, and it’s not up to you to settle any score. You’ve apologized, and that is all you can do. Please remember that your mistakes don’t define you. Please remember that healing takes time. Please remember that the only person’s opinion who matters is God’s, and He appreciates that you’ve sought solace in Him. Please remember that messing up doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries. Please remember that being kind doesn’t mean you are obligated to be a doormat. Please remember that desperation is not a redeeming quality. And please remember that there are things far worse than being lonely. Unlike others, you recognize that you’re not always the victim. Unlike others, you try to right your wrongs. And sometimes, it is okay to use your differences to your advantage. Don’t be harder on yourself than you would be on someone else who has made the same mistakes.

    Your Daddy used to tell you to “be smart.” You should take his advice.

  • Ten Raspberry Facts

    On today’s episode of “So what’s the deal with the raspberry?” – let’s get into 10 facts.

    I say “facts” and not “fun facts” because raspberries can be bitter at times.

    1. I don’t know who I am. Wait, is that too heavy? I have spent the last 38 years wearing many hats – girlfriend, fiancee, wife, mom, ex wife, daughter, niece, granddaughter, great granddaughter, paralegal, dog mom, cat mom. And I’ve always tended to wear those hats with a certain amount of pride, and then complete tasks that fall in line with each of my roles. But to say I know who I am would not be accurate. And every time I think I have it figured out, I make a mistake or do something impulsive or selfish, and I have to start all over, because I refuse to accept that I’m a failure. So I know things I like and I definitely know things I don’t like. I know my fears. I know what is expected of me. But my core? Giant blob of confusion. Query – is it strange to be doing a “facts” post when I don’t even know who I am? Yeah. I probably didn’t think this through.
    2. I found out two days ago that I was born on a full moon. I would like to blame so many things in my life on that one fact. But at least now that’s something I know, even if it doesn’t change a single thing that has happened in my life to date.
    3. I wear a giant t-shirt to bed almost every single night. I own pajamas, yes. And I wear them during my workday (I work from home). But I don’t wear pajamas like I guess people are “supposed to.”
    4. I can’t paint my fingernails because my real nails have vertical ridges in them. Grooves that stand out when covered in polish. But I love the look of a crisp, short manicure. So I buy press ons from Dollar General or Walmart or Temu, most recently, and I do them myself. They last 4 or 5 days, and then I get annoyed and pop them off and do another set. And even going through 4 or 5 sets of nails a month is still cheaper than one trip to the nail salon. Right now, they’re blue, and the longer I look at them, the more the color reminds me of the 1995 periwinkle Mercury Villager I drove back and forth to work and church my senior year of high school. And now I kind of want to rip the nails off, especially because they don’t match the nude/beige shade of my painted toenails. Ick.
    5. To that end, I clip the skin off of the tips of my fingers. I remember I once had to do a background check for a job at Chase Bank, and the officer who took my fingerprints asked me if I had been burned. And I told my former therapist about it, and when I showed her, she nearly teared up with what I presume, even still, was a combination of disappointment and concern. And that was almost 15 years ago.
    6. I don’t carry a purse. With me at all times is: a tube of chapstick, my vape, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, my cell phone (Android for life), and reading glasses and sunglasses. And if I’m in public, which will be rare from here on out, I’m almost always in leggings.
    7. I can’t watch horror movies or t.v. series, for fear of peeing said leggings. No, I’m not kidding.
    8. No matter what time I go to bed, I need 8 hours of sleep. If I don’t get those 8 hours during the night, you can count on a nap at some point the next day.
    9. When I was younger, I was so glad that Joey picked Pacey. That Bella picked Edward. That Elena picked Damon. And now I am convinced Joey should’ve chosen Dawson. Bella would’ve been better off with Jacob. And Elena should’ve ended up with Stephen. Queue the Charlie in Twilight quote – “Sometimes you have to learn to love what is good for you.” Now, more than ever, I believe that love is not always dramatic or dynamic or even all about compromise or sacrifice, as we’ve often been told or as we see in movies. Love is safe. It’s kind. It’s honest. It’s comfortable. It’s calm. It feels like home. And I don’t think real love takes much work. Compatibility should be natural.
    10. I play the “What if?” game a lot. An avid over thinker, I often ponder The Butterfly Effect and how my life would’ve been different if I’d just made one decision differently. I know it doesn’t benefit me, and that is not to say I don’t have a good life. I do. A life I don’t deserve. A life I’m grateful to have. But that is not to say I wouldn’t undo some of my decisions, given the choice. Maybe I’d have pushed to get my Master’s. Maybe I’d have taken different routes the two times I totaled two separate cars, once that could’ve very well killed me. Maybe I’d have skipped the second marriage altogether (I’ll tell you about that another time). Given the day or hour, there are a million things I’d do differently. But then would that still mean I’d be sitting on a comfortable couch, in my huge t-shirt, puppy and Chromebook in my lap? Who knows?

    What are the types of things you guys like reading? I want to make sure these posts are insightful and entertaining, and at the same time, cathartic for me.

    Thank you for being here.

  • It’s the Little Things

    When I can’t think of blog material on my own…when the need for inspiration breaks my brain…but still knowing that this blog will end up being good for my soul if I remain consistent, I take to Google, Pinterest, etc. and let one of those choose a writing prompt for me.

    That’s kind of where I am now. It’s almost 11:00. I took something to help me sleep, yet here I sit, in front of this screen, trying to crank out something before I crash.

    Pinterest told me to make a list of little things that make me happy. Easy enough, except as someone who experiences manic depression, I guess it’s a good thing I remain in good spirits today.

    I’m skipping the itemization of the obvious – family, friends (who am I kidding? I don’t have any friends), and instead, you’re getting a long list of eccentricities, really. In list format:

    • The ten minutes after I discover my paycheck has been direct deposited, when I can see the fruits (raspberries, if you will) of my labor before all of that hard work disappears by way of auto draft;
    • ASMR videos, which I don’t just watch at night, but all day long;
    • The rubber, but realistic-looking opossum that was purchased for me as a gag gift. I named him Chester. He is currently draped over my computer monitor, his paws covering my webcam. He hangs out with me while I work. He’s basically become a member of the family;
    • Sleeping in a really, really cold room, covered with a billion blankets. I want to see my breath but I want to break a sweat underneath those covers. Best. Sleep. Ever;
    • Baths. In big bathtubs. Hot enough to turn my skin red;
    • School/office supplies. The idea of getting a new notebook or pack of pens. “What will I write on this new canvas?” It’s an obsession at this point;
    • Naps. When my life and/or thoughts get weird…when I’m overthinking or over-analyzing certain aspects of my existence, the solution is almost always a few tears and a nap. Not a little nap either. I have been known to sleep for half days, after sleeping a full 8 or 9 hours the night before;
    • My vape. A former smoker, I only sacrificed the smell and taste of menthol cigarettes. The nicotine addiction didn’t go anywhere, and in fact, it has probably gotten worse in the last few years, because I switched to vaping. I don’t care. I need my vape;
    • Reassurance. When someone does not typically get “atta boys,” that person is also that much more appreciative of positive reinforcement, validation, all of those things. I don’t want applause for existing, but if I’m struggling, reassurance means so much;
    • The realization, especially when I’m lonely, that the Lord hears even a silent prayer;
    • Grocery pick up. I can count on probably my hands the number of times I have stepped foot in Wal-Mart since grocery pick up became a thing;
    • Listening to my son’s music. I have a 16 year old, who I am sure you’ll read about sooner rather than later, who has learned every musical skill on his own. He can’t read music, but if you send him something to play, he can figure it out. I love listening to him play;
    • Sweatshirts. I can’t explain the gratification I get from a new sweatshirt. I own probably two dozen and they are in constant rotation. Last week I bought one that just says “PICKLES” on the front, and I’ve already worn it twice.
    • The satisfaction that comes from lighting candles AFTER you’ve cleaned your house from top to bottom. You mean to tell me I worked so hard and now it SMELLS good too?!? Yes, please;
    • To that end, a detailed car. Granted, my car is a disaster at the moment. That reminds me, I need to schedule a wash and vacuum. A clean car will really make you feel like your ducks are in a row;
    • Marshmallow Peeps. Okay, here’s the deal. I used to hate ’em. Then I found out nobody in my family liked them either. So it’s one of the only candies/sweets that can exist in my life that no one asks me to share. I don’t like to share (another mantra in my life, which I may or may not explain at a later date), so even if it is an acquired taste, or even if the discovery of them in Dollar General is the biggest hype, I enjoy eating them – alone;
    • The smell of shoe stores;
    • Doing my own nails. Did you know that you can’t walk in and out of a nail salon in my area for less than about $70.00?! My little Temu nails cost about $3.00 for 4 or 5 sets. And when I do them myself, I don’t have to complain that they aren’t short enough. I can’t remember the last time I went to get my nails done. I just like doing them myself;
    • When my back pops;
    • All things fall.
    • To that end, Christmas decorations, especially when there are no budget restrictions and I can actually decorate the way I want;
    • Watching the same three television shows over and over because my anxiety won’t let me sit through anything new, for fear of wasting time on a new show I won’t enjoy half as much. Friends. Big Bang. TVD. In constant rotation;

    I’ll add to the above list intermittently, so check back occasionally if you found this at all interesting.

    Tomorrow you get to meet my new puppy!

    Keep raspin’…

  • The Rasper Herself

    Do y’all remember those Sonic commercials in the 2010s?

    “May I sub-respond before you finish?”

    This one was my favorite. And for 15 years, more or less, it’s been an internal, running joke in my own head.

    “Why not raspberry iced “M” or one of the other 48 letters?”

    It makes me giggle even now.

    (It’s probably not even that funny, but if nothing else, you’re already getting a sense of what I find entertaining, and that will either create followers or trolls. At any rate, welcome!

    Let’s look at the characteristics of a raspberry.

    Raspberries Fresh raspberries (rubus idaeus) full frame closeup. raspberry pink stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images
    ** iStock photo

    Raspberries are considered an “aggregate” fruit, and aggregate means “a whole formed by combining several elements.” Are raspberries complicated? This one is.

    Raspberries are plump and are both sweet and tart. And so am I.

    They’re versatile – you can put those suckers in jam, pie, smoothies, yogurt, muffins, syrup…and they’ll figure out how to adapt no matter what. Guilty as charged.

    And lastly, they’ll spoil and start to stink if you leave them in a hot car for too long. Yep. Me too.

    I’m Meg. I live a quiet life with people I love, although I can’t say I’m never the villain in others’ stories.

    And rather than carry the guilt or shame associated with those villainous moments, I’m choosing, instead, to start over, and try doing life a different way.

    Like the raspberry who tried to be a strawberry her whole life – because they’re more popular, easier to manage, and tend to be a little bit sweeter – I finally realized that it’s okay to be a raspberry anyway.

    So follow along as we figure out who I am. I don’t have all of the answers, but at least I’m willing to try to find them.

    Keep raspin’…and have a “berry” sweet day!

    -Meg