Raspberry Iced M

The Good. The Bad. The Raspy.

  • Some Truths about Raspberry

    As I’ve said before, sometimes I ask Chat GPT to give me guidance as to what I need to be writing. I did so moments ago, and I was met with the following:

    “10 Gentle Truths I’m Learning About Who I Am.”

    Yikes.

    As someone who tends to be more critical of myself than of others, this may be a little more challenging than I’d have initially preferred, especially because it’s 11 p.m. and I’ve had a relatively busy day. Church, where there were lots of tears. Lunch. A movie with my son. A full scrub down of the house, which, truthfully didn’t take as long as anticipated, but it was a chore, nonetheless. Then prayer journal, bullet journal, packing my son’s lunch, and about 4 loads of laundry.

    It is somewhat interesting to me that I was given this specific blog prompt, because this morning at church, the sermon was about our identity in Christ.

    Don’t get me wrong – it has been a good day. And with purpose, I decided I would snuggle into bed with my laptop. The problem with this intention? Severe Writer’s Block.

    Gentle truths? Hm. Let’s see where this goes.

    (I don’t brainstorm or outline these posts, in case you were wondering.)

    1. I am definitely a night owl. Not a morning person. Not even an afternoon person. I like my sleep. But if you catch me at about 7 or 8 p.m., you’re likely to find me doing something productive – cleaning, meal prep, planning my next day, helping with homework. I hit my peak. And you have me from then until about midnight, at which point I find the nearest pillow and crash.
    2. I have lost people who meant the world to me. And here I am – still making it. My track record for overcoming really difficult things is: Me – all of them; All of them – 0. I am still an avid overthinker, so sometimes I have to remind myself of it, and sometimes it can be hard for me to focus on what is good because there is some bad. But I am learning to count things in my favor. And I’ve survived it all so far, praise the Lord.
    3. I lack certain discipline that I “should” have – as a grown woman. I used to say I wasn’t motivated. But I don’t think that the things I don’t do have much to do with motivation. I think I’ve grown so accustomed to impulsivity, and what “feels good” right now – mostly because I’ve been chasing my own self-worth for 20 years – that I forget that it is discipline that actually gets things done. So for now, I am relying on the Lord to remind me of who I am and focusing a lot less on “noise” that could ever reassure me. The bottom line is that what others say and think – even if once true – well, it means a lot less these days.
    4. I would prefer to eat 8 snacks a day instead of 3 meals. What does that make me? A snacking machine? Don’t worry – the snacks aren’t always bad for me. On a related note, I just bought myself the tiniest little cucumbers for lunches this week, and I’m really excited to try them.
    5. I am a not-on-purpose self mutilator. Let me tell you what I have done this week. For one, I clipped all the skin off of my fingertips. I’ve told you all about this before, but when the skin on my fingers gets dry, I clip it off. I’ve been doing it for years. It doesn’t hurt, and I don’t want it to hurt. But I’ve been told it is a form of mutilation. Secondly, the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees where I am. That makes my skin dry. I have scratched my legs bloody this evening, just trying to relieve the itch. I’m telling you all this, knowing full well I need to find some lotion. But it’s too late now. I’ve already done it.
    6. I think I have finally accepted the fact that I’m introverted. I used to battle it. I used to try to change it. Not anymore. It’s just who I am. And it’s not a bad thing.
    7. I know entirely too much about serial killers. Just an observation. But that also means I can pretty much review any case file and solve a crime. It’s true.
    8. I learned that I can cook all of the sides for one Thanksgiving dinner, plus two desserts, in about 2 hours if I don’t take breaks. This year, I made mashed potatoes, corn, butter beans, deviled eggs, broccoli casserole, peach cobbler, and peanut butter cheesecake (which was a “no bake” recipe, to be fair). Tip – put everything in a disposable aluminum pan. Your dishwasher will thank you.
    9. I learned this a long time ago, but it was reaffirmed this week – I don’t drink enough water. I shall remedy that this upcoming week. And just to piggyback on that, I also learned that I own too many Stanleys. I’ve been giving those bad boys out like candy.
    10. And lastly, I learned that I can no longer wear bras with wires. Ouch.

    Wherever you are – whatever you’re doing – however you’re coping – I hope you each have an amazing week. I hope the Lord blesses you and protects you and keeps you safe.

    Side note – I am not good at much, but I can pray. If you have a prayer request, please shoot me a message, or comment, or email. I would love to pray for/with you.

  • An Overthinking Raspberry

    Did you know it is actually a sin to overthink? As I grow in the Word, I’m finding out that once we give a situation to God, the only way to exercise trust in His answer is to stop worrying. The Bible even tells us not to be anxious or worry. It is a command. “Do not worry about tomorrow – for tomorrow will worry about itself…”

    If I am being brutally honest with myself, I have to be reminded, when I’m in my darkest moments, and in my deepest worry, that the opposite of faith is anxiety.

    And do you want to know the funniest part? Most of the things I worry about don’t even matter. I used to think that worrying about something prioritized it in my mind. I used to think that worrying was a way of controlling a situation.

    Nope.

    Worrying gives me something to do. But it doesn’t fix a thing.

    And while I know I can rely on God’s grace to carry me through moments of anxiety, I am learning that the whole “Let go and let God” is a real thing. And looking back, I could’ve saved myself a lot of gray hairs, sleepless nights, and tears, had I actually taken that to heart.

    Maybe these will serve as reminders to you. Or maybe they’re just reminders for me. Either way, below is a list of things I have resolved to no longer worry over.

    1. What people think about me – I used to worry about what people thought. I used to strive for perfection. I used to want the approval of others. I wanted to be liked. And I used to jump to my own defense when accused. I am no longer interested in that. The people who believe I have something to prove are just as flawed, just as broken, and some seem even less self-aware or willing to admit their own imperfections. So I don’t know why I ever bothered to mask who I really am, or strive to be better than “just me.” Those who have been critical of me are not the best example of…well…anything. And while I still catch myself occasionally wanting to clap back, I realize that I have already apologized to them, and I’m already forgiven by Him. I’m committed to accepting all of the blessings that other people don’t think I deserve.
    2. What I wear – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I work from home. And I have a really REALLY well-paying job, and I am really good at it. I consider it an(other) answered prayer. But since my work does not require much travel or in-office presentation, I am welcome to roll out of bed, throw on my comfiest sweats, and plug away. My collection of sweatshirts has grown. I love my bedroom slippers. And I embrace the messy bun.
    3. Gossip – having been both the victim and the villain of it, I can say for certain that it benefits no one. Being nosy, saying hurtful things at someone else’s expense (even if they are “true”), or just participating in idle chatter? It reeks of immaturity, unfaithfulness, and lack of success in the lives of those who do it. I am no longer interested.
    4. Being a “yes” girl. I used to go along with things, agree to things, agree to pay for things, just to make other people happy. Not now. If I don’t want to do it, I’m not going to. I’m quickly approaching 40. I don’t care who gets upset about my hard nos. And no, it doesn’t make me difficult or hard to get along with. You’re more than welcome to do your thing. I just don’t want to be a part of it, and I’m not going to worry myself sick anymore over what other people want me to do.
    5. Keeping up with the newest music trends. I am a well-rounded listener. I grew up listening to Journey and Chicago and Fleetwood Mac. I fell in love with boy bands in the 90s. I love country, hip hop, some rock. My Spotify account would confuse the population at large. If I hear a song and I like it, I add it. If not, I move on. And I’m proud to say I have passed that onto my son, who plays guitar and loves many of the same artists that I do, along with some I do not know. We are not individuals if we all listen to the same things.
    6. Comparison. I know all too well how exhausting it can be to be around someone who has to be right about everything, who has never made a mistake, who puts one opinion over another. It’s exhausting. Life is hard. I hope we all make it. And truthfully, if we all counted our own blessings instead of worrying about what other people have that we want that we don’t have (I’ve confused myself just typing that), we would probably be better off anyway.
    7. Long lines. I will leave and order online so fast…
    8. Losing people. I have lost people that meant the world to me. And they valued me so little that they walked out of my life. And you know what? I survived. I made it. And I’m actually better off. I have more free time, more “me” time, more money, a lot less stress and sense of obligation, and even though I grieve those who have left – even though I understand why they left – and even though losing people has been my fault at times – I’m okay, and I will no longer be manipulated or challenged to accommodate people who not once reciprocated. Nothing I could’ve done would’ve made a bit of difference. I was blessed with a graceful, forgiving spirit. Others were not. And that’s okay, too.
    9. Arguing. I am not 100% “there” yet but I care a lot less about it these days. After way too many debates about truth v. opinion, fact v. fiction, feelings v. logic, I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore. Also, I don’t care. If you think the sky is green, if you think 2+2=5, it does. On a more personal note, if you think I’m a bad person, crazy, ugly, you’re right. Life became a lot easier when I figured out how to accept my flaws along with my good qualities. And when others don’t recognize the good, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It means those people are determined to misunderstand me. But I’m not going to argue about it. Think what you want. Tell your friends. Away – far away – from me.
    10. Keeping up with the Joneses. I make more money than most people in my profession. Amazing job, phenomenal health insurance, a bonus every year. I am incredibly blessed. But I’ll be darned if I’m going to let anyone, ever again, even societal standards, dictate what I need and don’t need, or what I should or should not have. Life is about so much more than “stuff.” I am learning to love my uncluttered, simple, clean, quiet life.

    Maybe pain created all of this. Maybe my own mistakes created this. I like to think that the Lord gave me a sense of self-awareness recently, and boy, oh, boy – it has put my whole life into perspective. And I’m grateful.

    I’ll touch base with you guys next week. I’m going thrift shopping tomorrow. Maybe I’ll show you guys my treasures.

  • The Raspy Happy

    This week has been a vacation week for me, and I have enjoyed staying in. I started Christmas shopping, cleaned the house (a couple of times), spent some time with family, played with the puppy, and took a few naps. I got some good reading done and watched a few movies I’d wanted to see. It has been a good week.

    And on that note, I thought I would share a few small things that made me happy since my “staycation” started (RIP – gone too soon). It is better to count blessings.

    1. Coffee was made and served to me without my having to ask. That is true love.
    2. I found the perfect parking spot – twice this week.
    3. I got to go to bed without setting an alarm.
    4. Somewhat related – I curl up every night in a frigid bedroom with a toasty blanket. And given the fact that I didn’t have to set an alarm, it was a little extra special.
    5. I completed the Big Little Liars series and it was better than I anticipated.
    6. My gas tank was filled up, and I didn’t have to get out of my car. Call me spoiled.
    7. I had been on the lookout for this one particular brand of wine for about 3 months. Well, I found it at a local place, which means I didn’t have to pay bookoos extra for shipping. I bought six bottles. Do not worry – I am not a lush – I still have 5 left.
    8. Stanley tumblers are on sale at Academy. I only got one. I should’ve gotten more.
    9. I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes in the kitchen all week. Not having to cook is always a good time.
    10. I got some new boots to wear to church. I had a pair a while ago, but they were ruined by cat urine (it’s a really long story) and I had to toss them. I’d been keeping my eyes peeled for the same pair, but they were out of stock – until this week! The Black Friday sales are poppin’ online, and I found several deals. My son, if he isn’t spoiled enough, will be very happy when Christmas arrives.

    If you’re working this week, I pray it’s enough to keep the money rollin’ in but not so stressful that you can’t handle it. If you’re unable to work, I hope you’re doing something you love. If you’re sad, I encourage you to find happiness in the little things. In this life, sometimes that’s the best we can do. And that’s okay.

  • Evidence of a Thriving Raspberry

    Not all the time, but most of the time, the little goals we achieve – the ones that remind us that we’re human but still making it – matter more than crossing off the bigger goals. It may be that we’ve all learned not to reach for the moon because life kicks us in the crotch pretty regularly. Or it may be because some of us don’t think enough of ourselves to try harder.

    At any rate, and in an effort to be relatable, below is a list I’ve compiled over the last couple of weeks of small personal successes that have both satisfied me and kept me reaching:

    • As of yesterday, I’m caught up on all of the laundry.
    • I have logged into work on time every day and have even managed to get in some overtime (which means a bigger paycheck, and this close to Christmas? Yes, please).
    • Ozmond the Pup is completely kennel trained and hasn’t had an accident in a week.
    • I set a deadline to have all of the Christmas decorations up by November 1 (nobody tells me what to do so I don’t care if you think that’s too early) and BY GOLLY the tree, garland, wreath, stockings and wall decor are glowing beautifully. I went for a gingerbread theme.
    • My press-ons a/k/a fake nails a/k/a a cheap vice have stayed on for 6 days, which is great because I love the color and shape of these particular nails.
    • I paid off a credit card.
    • I am on track to finish the Bible in six months, finishing the first quarter on time.
    • I found, and have attended consistently, a church that I love. I haven’t made it through a service yet without sobbing, but that’s a goal for another time.
    • I located and purchased the serving platters I have wanted for a very long time, and they were ON SALE!
    • I have also refrained from opening and/or using any of the Christmas presents I have received by mail (for myself), including a Michael Kors bag and wallet I have coveted for several months. Only 6 weeks to go!
    • I perfected my son’s favorite lunch – a chicken Caesar wrap with a side of fruit and a treat. He has eaten a chicken wrap a day for the last two weeks, and every time, it’s “the best one so far.” Since my son is a picky eater, I count it a parenting win.
    • I filled all of the slots of the shadow box on my wall!
    • And finally, my sleep schedule is back on track (thanks to the time change) and I am getting adequate rest, and thereby, energy.

    If you’ve had any success in the last week or two, let’s celebrate together!

  • A Peeved Raspberry

    Good morning to my Raspberries.

    It has been a week.

    I think my days and nights are mixed up, and I find myself staying up later and later, and then sleeping halfway into the day. It will sort itself out, but for now, I’m enjoying the relaxation that comes with working from home and having no obligations outside of my home. Maybe the Lord knows that minor inconveniences would send me over the edge right now, so He’s allowing for prevention of that by keeping me at home.

    And on that note, I thought I’d let you a little more into my world by discussing some of those minor inconveniences. Does not everyone have pet peeves (some more than others, of course)?

    As a general rule, these are, in fact, pet peeves, but I would like to give credit to God for working on my heart lately, and reminding me that others are allotted the same grace He gives to me daily.

    1. That relieving moment you firmly believe your period is over, and then two days later, you find out it isn’t. Am I the only one who experiences this? Are my hormones off somehow? Do I need to get checked? Just asking.
    2. When I’m upset about something and someone tells me to “calm down.” Yes. That’s exactly what I needed. Thanks.
    3. Getting caught at every red light. In the little town where I live, there is a red light at every block, and for whatever reason, more often than not, I get caught at every single red light on the one-way anytime I go anywhere. Me no likey.
    4. A new hole in your favorite leggings. I bought this one pair of leggings from Sam’s probably 4 years ago. They were my favorite – stretchy, slimming, side pockets, ankle length. But since your girl’s thighs touch, I knew it would only be a matter of time before a seam ripped, due to general wear. I have parted ways with those leggings, but I wore them so often that the inside label was not legible. I don’t know the brand name, or even what size I bought, so I can’t replace them. Oh well…
    5. Teenaged drivers. Why do they think they own every road and parking lot? Just why? In no way do I profess to be a good driver. In fact, I’m not at all. But at least I’m courteous.
    6. A flat soft drink. Soda. Pop. Coke. I do drink a LOT of Dr. Pepper. I prefer bottles because I sip on one all day. But if I take too long to finish one and it goes flat. I, as the kids say, literally “can’t even.”
    7. Movie ads / commercials. In the mobile society in which we live these days, I can catch your plugs on social media. Please stop interrupting my Criminal Minds episodes to show me the newest Ninja. I like my crock pot and ioncurr.
    8. Smudges and fingerprints on stainless steel appliances. Scrub and scrub and scrub and wipe down and still smudges. Does anyone have any tips for this?
    9. Breaking a nail when there is no glue in sight. I can’t tell you the number of sets of nails I have had to dispose of because I break a nail and don’t have any glue to reattach it to my actual fingernail. I have not been diagnosed with OCD, but I have a thing about symmetry. I like for things to be even. So if I break a nail and can’t immediately correct the problem, I take the rest of my nails off. I can’t stand it. I did this yesterday, actually, and that’s okay, I guess, because I was able to pick another color this morning and put on a fresh set. But still…
    10. The four little baby hairs at the top of my forehead. It’s new hair growth, which is a good thing, because I shed like a German Shepherd. But the new hair is so short and fine that I can’t stick it on a barrette with my bangs. It’s a good thing I don’t go out much, because it just ends up looking silly.

    I am here to listen. If you need to vent, discuss your own peeves, ask questions, cry – consider doing so to a total stranger – one who will not judge, one who can probably relate, and one who will lift you up in prayer. Send me an email – raspberryicedm@outlook.com.

    Be safe this weekend.

  • Raspberry Therapy Homework

    I have been tasked to identify myself outside of my everyday roles.

    I’m a mother, daughter, employee, aunt, and a great many other things.  But apparently, those are just titles – not “me.”

    I am 38 years old.  And I have no idea who I am.

    I can use various adjectives to describe myself – introverted, kind, witty, sensitive, anxious, melancholy.  

    But I’m not sure if I am actually introverted, or if I have been forced into introversion because I don’t have friends.  I am not sure if I am actually kind or if I do kind things so that other people will like me.  I often wonder if the wit I possess was learned as I began defending myself against every critic that exists in my life.  I probably would not be so sensitive or anxious if I were more confident in myself and my choices.  And I probably wouldn’t be melancholy if I saw a light at any dark tunnel I seem to face every day of my life.  And yet again – do I create the dark tunnels?

    I can tell you things I like – animals, writing, coffee, bubble baths, crime shows.

    And I can even tell you things I look for when choosing friends, or what I looked for when choosing partners – a sense of humor, intelligence, a good work ethic, and for the men in my life, biceps and a beard.

    The irony is that the qualities I value in a person are not values I currently hold.  I would not say I am an honest person.  I cannot call myself loyal.  I wouldn’t even describe myself as selfless.  But those are qualities I treasure.

    And I can’t say I have ever been “at peace.”  There always seems to be something to worry about these days.  

    The roles I am supposed to set aside to complete this essay are ironically things that bring me joy – I love my kids, and I love being a mom, even if I have failed Lexi and Jameson in so many aspects.  I love being a paralegal, and I think I am pretty good at my job. I love being an aunt to my baby nieces and nephews, even if I don’t see them often.  But it all sort of begs the question – does playing those parts really make me happy, or do I just think they “should” make me happy?

    I question everything about myself, all the time.  I wonder if my thoughts are my own or if they’re from some evil that is deeply rooted in me – an evil that needs me to remain insecure and weak and dishonest so that I continue to do its work, burning bridges one bad decision and one failed relationship at a time.

    I think, at my very core, I just want to be accepted.  I want to be enough.  And since I’m not, I tend to change my bells and whistles based on what others expect from me.

    And I have chosen to isolate myself, in part, so that I don’t hurt anyone else, but also so that I can figure out who I am when the expectations of others are off the table.  And I am working on it, but I’m not there yet. 

    So I can’t explain who I am.  The best I can offer is who I want to be.

    I want to be someone who smiles more than she cries.  I want to be able to walk into a room, head up and back straight.  I want to possess the discipline it takes to keep a schedule, to lose weight, and to resist impulses and avoid destructive behavior.  I want to be able to finish things I start.  I want to be the type of person who can find the silver lining in any tough situation, who can remain positive without the need for external validation.  I want to be independent because I choose it, not because it is required due to lack of friendships or other support.  I want to be someone who helps others genuinely instead of out of guilt.

    I want to be able to say to strangers, “Hi, I’m Meg.  I’m 38.  I’m a work from home paralegal.  I make pretty good money, but I’m in too much debt to enjoy most of what I make.  I devote the majority of my time to my son.  But when I have free time, I use it to catch up on t.v., read the Bible, eat Oreos, and overthink.  I’m pretty lonely.  And I don’t trust anyone enough to talk about my own problems, but I would never judge anyone else who wanted to discuss theirs with me.  Any takers?”

    And maybe someday, someone will find all of that acceptable, and I will finally be able to say I have a friend.

  • Raspberry Revelations

    I used to have a “good enough” complex.

    Let me explain what I mean.

    I wanted to be liked so badly, fit in so badly, and be “good enough” so badly, that I would change myself to suit the expectations of others.

    Examples:

    If someone I wanted to spend time with said his/her salary was “x,” I would spend like I made the same amount, or even say I made the same amount. I didn’t want that person to look down on me because I made less money, or feel like I expected favors. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    If one of my friends wanted to go see a scary movie, I would go, knowing full well I do not like scary movies. But I wanted to fit. I wanted to be included, invited, etc. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    Several years ago, someone I cared about made a comment about my weight. I think the exact words were, “How did you get so heavy?” I immediately stopped eating. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    I used to find my worth in the opinions of other people. I used to need approval to feel worthy.

    And those are just a few scenarios.

    So you can imagine how difficult it would be to figure out who I am, even after 38 years.

    I am starting from scratch. I’m relearning lots of things. I look at the smallest situations now, and think to myself, “Wait…do I actually like this? Or did I just say once that I liked it?”

    And even typing all of this now – I know it’s silly.

    So, without fear of being judged by anyone, because, well, I don’t know who even reads these, let me try to list a few very true things about your Raspberry:

    • I am learning how to resist impulses. Having been someone who usually thinks about what “feels good” for 5 minutes rather than the long term consequences, I am praying that demon off of me daily. I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. But I sure don’t want to miss it because I mistook peace for boredom and did something stupid instead of thinking ahead.
    • I am kind. I am so many terrible things – or – rather – I have developed so many terrible habits over 38 years. But I am not an unkind person. In fact, when someone is unkind to me, I tend to accept their opinion as truth, and that’s probably part of where this “good enough” complex came from in the first place. I’ll buy someone else something – clothes, a good meal, whatever – before I ever consider getting something I want. I take care of people who are sick. I forgive even when people are not sorry. And unfortunately, that has made me a doormat in a lot of ways, but it’s hard to regret being kind.
    • I am a 90% all-animal lover. Exceptions? Squirrels, aggressive birds and snakes. (I’ve had some experiences with squirrels that prevent the statement “I love all mammals.” I’ll tell you another day.)
    • I enjoy marshmallow Peeps. You know, the chicks and bunnies you get at Easter? And actually I know they also make them in ghosts and pumpkins at Halloween. I used to say they were nasty, but I do enjoy them. And it’s a snack that no one I know likes all that much, so I don’t have to share them when I find them, and that’s a plus. At least to me.
    • I love to sleep. I love my bed. I stay up later now than I ever have, but I love not having to set an alarm and just waking up when I want.
    • I’m a recovering procrastinator. I’m really praying about this, and I’m working on it. The issue is not motivation. It’s discipline. I find that I get more done under pressure, yet I don’t like to be pressured. A living, breathing, walking contradiction.
    • I drink 2 Dr. Peppers a day. I don’t “guzzle” drinks by any stretch, but I nurse Dr. Pepper off and on all day. And I prefer them at room temperature. Is that gross? Oh well, this about me, not you.
    • I will never again be the type of woman who enjoys dressing up. I find the phrase, “If you look good, you feel good” to be untrue, at least personally. I think dress clothes are uncomfortable. I believe heels were designed by men who don’t have to wear them (I don’t know if that’s true, but it is a valid theory). I never feel better about myself than when I’m in a pair of leggings, a big sweatshirt, and my bedroom slippers. I’ll do my hair and my make up, but I don’t want to wear a dress. I don’t even like wearing jeans anymore.
    • I said earlier that I don’t like horror films, and that is true, but a serial killer documentary, or a new Dateline episode or 48 Hours, or even a dramatization about a crime – like the new Ed Gein series or the Dahmer or Ted Bundy series – I love those. I think what I enjoy most is learning about the minds of these people.
    • I don’t like where I live. Not the house itself – it’s really nice and I do like it. The best parts are that it is decorated how I want, clean, and I have a huge bedroom. But I live in America, in the South – and I don’t like it. Be on the lookout in the future for tales of a move. I am still researching and planning. And praying, of course. I pray a lot these days, and it’s been so beneficial.

    And on this path to self-discovery, please keep an eye out for more “get to know me” posts. We can learn more about me. Together.

    Sleep well, my Raspberries…

  • Wrecked Raspberry

    I have control issues.

    Prior to very recently, I’d have denied it. But the truth is that I do. I want to know what’s going to happen next. I want all of the options communicated to me. I want to know where, when, how, and most importantly, WHY.

    And I realize now what a burden that is to carry. To question others’ motives. To defend every decision I make. To want my hand in the lives of those by whom I feel “affected.”

    I heard this song on the way home from therapy Tuesday that WRECKED me.

    “You don’t have to break just to prove you tried.”

    WHAT?!? You mean to tell me that it’s okay if I walk away from a situation or a person if my ideas don’t align with theirs? I don’t have to sit in criticism, sadness, or self-loathing? I can literally just walk away? I’m allowed to quit?

    I am.

    And so are you.

    If you don’t want to talk to someone, don’t. If someone makes you feel terrible about yourself, walk away, and don’t look back. “No” is a full sentence. Being someone’s doormat does not make that person love you more.

    Here’s the thing – people who keep you in your feelings want you there for a reason. If they can keep you in your feelings, they have a hold on you, and they can keep you out of your greater purpose. Those people will stir up offense, magnify fear, and push insecurities (EVEN IF THEY DON’T “MEAN TO”), because insecurity clouds vision, and cloudy vision delays obedience.

    Today, I say, “No more.” No more feeling awful because I couldn’t take care of everybody, or please everybody, or be “enough” for everybody. No more apologizing repeatedly for my mistakes. I’m forgiven by the One who matters, and that’s enough. No more missing people who know how to contact me. No more crying over failures, because I must have failed for a reason. No more manipulating situations or changing who I am to suit anybody else. No more matching energies. No more competing. No more grudges. No more waiting on other people to get it right. No more expectations of circumstantial change.

    Nobody else’s feelings are my responsibility. Just like my feelings are no one else’s responsibility.

    You don’t have to break yourself, be dishonest about who you are or what you want, or bend over, just to prove you’re trying.

    Let go. Let God. I promise He will do a better job than you anyway.

  • Ten Raspberry ADLs

    Good morning. Well, I suppose it will be afternoon by the time I finish.

    I stay at home most of the time. I don’t go out. There are times when I stay home because I want to and other times because I don’t have the energy or motivation to even begin to put in the effort to put on clothes that button and present to a place, just to leave even more anxious than when I left the house in the first place.

    Tuesdays (like today) are the exception. Every Tuesday I wake up and find a hairbrush and a pair of yoga pants and head to therapy, where I spew the events of the previous week to someone who literally gets paid to listen to people gripe. I don’t want her job.

    But I told her today that none of it will make a bit of difference if there is no progress. So I first asked her if I could even be fixed – or – alternatively – if I was too broken. And then I asked her to pile some work on me. Talking to someone is a start, but if there is no action toward genuine change, talking is pointless.

    And in my head I began to ruminate over how many people with whom I’ve crossed paths who would never understand it. Understand me.

    I have heard it said that we judge other people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions. And I would love to learn how to act – behave – in such a way that there is noticeable, obvious change. Not for anybody else (let’s face it – if I don’t leave the house, there is nothing to notice). But so that I can have peace knowing I’m not the same person I used to be. That I don’t blame my issues on others’ behavior. That I don’t look for validation outside of myself. That I can accept myself for who I am while also setting meaningful goals to better serve my future. Even if that future is lonely or circumstantially difficult.

    And to others, mainly YOU, Raspberry Readers, it may not seem like much. But I have changed a few habits, and added others, that have improved my quality of life.

    • I start every morning with “Thank you, Jesus.” On days when my to-do list outweighs my motivation. On days when my phone is dry. On days when I want to crumble into a ball and let the world run over me. None of those things matter. I’m not gone from this world, which means I still have a purpose. And the gratitude for grace that I have comes from deeply rooted shame and guilt. Just saying “thank you” automatically changes my perspective.
    • I get dressed. I know that seems like a “duh” type of obligation, but I work from home, and on days when it is hard to separate my profession with my personal life, it can be easy to roll out of bed and log in for work. But I’ve found that actually getting up with intention – getting ready for my day – even if I just put on different comfy clothes – prepares me more for both work and my duties at home.
    • I keep my mouth shut. I heard someone say recently, “Never miss someone who knows how to contact you.” Consider my flabbers gasted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to follow that rule, but I do know there are a lot of people I know longer talk to who do not want to talk to me. God’s daughters don’t beg. So I don’t.
    • I utilize a prayer journal. Every night before bed, I turn the t.v. on and actually write out my praise. Sometimes I ask Him for help. Sometimes I ask questions – why this or why that? Sometimes I just tell Him that I am not owed grace or mercy or forgiveness, and I thank Him for giving me what I do not deserve. I tell Him I love him. I tell Him if I’m sad or angry or lonely. I just try to be honest on paper. Last night I asked Him to help me decide on a color theme for the Christmas tree. And I know that is probably silly. But I literally just write letters to Him, and talk to Him like I would a friend. Right now, He’s all I’ve got, and I know He set it up that way, because I need to be more in love with Him than the distractions of the world. I am a living, breathing example of God turning a terrible decision/circumstance/person into something better.
    • I got a dog. My black lab of almost a decade, Zeek, passed away back in March, and I miss him terribly. Every day. But I know myself well enough to realize that I needed something to take care of in order to feel like I am worth anything. So I found Ozzy, and we really hit it off. He’s really tiny and smart and playful and he’s a good bed buddy. I think we are good for each other.
    Meet Ozmond a/k/a Ozzy. No, you can’t have him.
    • I limit my social media time. I have the accounts. I just stay off of them. It’s all fake anyway.
    • Instead, I read the Bible. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or not, but I just started in Genesis and I’m working my way forward. I use a Bible app, and follow my plans as best I can. I read a devotional every day, I take notes, and I give the Lord thanks when I read something that convicts me or jumps out at me. There are a whole lot of people in the world who call themselves “Christians,” who are simultaneously bound by their own agendas. “Lord, you can have ‘that’ part of me, but I’m keeping ‘this’ separate.” I used to be that person, too, so I’m not judging, but I no longer wish for control, because I’ve recognized that I am incapable of handling anything on my own. I am too imperfect. No excuses anymore. I’m on a mission.
    • I SHAMELESSLY window shop online. I don’t always buy. But I just love Amazon. I love Temu. As mentioned earlier, I recently fell down a rabbit hole looking at and thinking about various Christmas tree themes, and I categorized each theme into separate lists on Amazon. I could buy different ornaments every year for a decade and still not run out of ideas. Of all my past obsessions, this current one has proven to take up just enough headspace to keep me off of socials and out of my feelings. I’m really enjoying it so far. I am even flocking my own tree this year and I can’t wait to show you all how it turns out.
    • I plan my day ahead of time. Before I journal my nightly prayer, I pull out my bullet journal and plan the next day. I divide my day into “blocks” of time (if you’re looking for inspo here, search “Jordan Page Block Schedule” on YouTube and she’ll show you how to do it). Every block is filled with things I need to complete. I am not perfect when it comes to following it, but the blocks help keep me on track so that the day doesn’t get away from me. And there’s no guess work. I don’t have to decide what to wear every morning, because it’s written down. I don’t have to spontaneously choose what to cook for dinner, because I meal planned the night before. No need to decide what chore to start with after work – I just look at my list. It helps anxious Raspberry. Highly recommend it.
    • I watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on repeat. I heard once that people who watch the same t.v. shows or movies over and over do so because they cannot handle the anxiety of not knowing what comes next. I don’t know how true that statement is, but I will say this – not only do I love the show, but knowing what I am going to watch is just one less decision I have to make. And since I’m on a journey of relinquishing control, I think it’s appropriate.
    • And lastly, I do this. I blog. I don’t write every day, but throughout the day, I’m thinking about what I want to write about next, asking for guidance, of course. And truthfully, if no one in the world sees this, at least it’s available. I am so grateful to have somewhere to leave my words.

    Until next time, Raspberries…

  • Real Raspberry Growth

    My second therapy appointment was this week. I go every Tuesday at 8:00. My therapist’s name is Christy.

    Having lately been convicted of my mouth, I am doing my level best to do what I feel like I’m being called to do, which is hush. I do not know if it is because I do not trust myself / my words, or if because I am supposed to grow and learn in solitude. I used to live my life and make decisions based on what would make me “the most liked.” Now, while I am sure there are many hurt people in the world who still do not like me, I am choosing to combat that with growth as best I know how. And therapy, hopefully, will be a useful tool while I make my attempt.

    So while I have kept my mouth shut and moved in silence, I have been able to talk to Christy about certain, troublesome aspects of my life. And again, nothing that is “wrong” in my life is anyone’s fault but mine. Sometimes it’s about taking full responsibility for your screw ups.

    And even though I am choosing to remain quiet (I get like two views per day on this blog, so don’t mistake this space as a need for popularity – I only share my experiences because they may help others – not to earn a badge or award or accolades), I realized I can’t get the tools I need to grow if I do not talk to a professional.

    Christy told me today that most people think growth looks like this:

    In reality, growth looks more like this:

    Do you know how much that sucks? First off, I love straight lines. Secondly, this means I have to deal with all of life’s “regular” struggles – paying bills, mothering, working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of animals, all while being tempted, tried – and still find time and energy to GROW?!?

    Yes. I’ve got help. From the only One I need. And this is important to me. Growth is a priority. Healing is a priority.