Raspberry Iced M

The Good. The Bad. The Raspy.

  • The Raspy Happy

    This week has been a vacation week for me, and I have enjoyed staying in. I started Christmas shopping, cleaned the house (a couple of times), spent some time with family, played with the puppy, and took a few naps. I got some good reading done and watched a few movies I’d wanted to see. It has been a good week.

    And on that note, I thought I would share a few small things that made me happy since my “staycation” started (RIP – gone too soon). It is better to count blessings.

    1. Coffee was made and served to me without my having to ask. That is true love.
    2. I found the perfect parking spot – twice this week.
    3. I got to go to bed without setting an alarm.
    4. Somewhat related – I curl up every night in a frigid bedroom with a toasty blanket. And given the fact that I didn’t have to set an alarm, it was a little extra special.
    5. I completed the Big Little Liars series and it was better than I anticipated.
    6. My gas tank was filled up, and I didn’t have to get out of my car. Call me spoiled.
    7. I had been on the lookout for this one particular brand of wine for about 3 months. Well, I found it at a local place, which means I didn’t have to pay bookoos extra for shipping. I bought six bottles. Do not worry – I am not a lush – I still have 5 left.
    8. Stanley tumblers are on sale at Academy. I only got one. I should’ve gotten more.
    9. I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes in the kitchen all week. Not having to cook is always a good time.
    10. I got some new boots to wear to church. I had a pair a while ago, but they were ruined by cat urine (it’s a really long story) and I had to toss them. I’d been keeping my eyes peeled for the same pair, but they were out of stock – until this week! The Black Friday sales are poppin’ online, and I found several deals. My son, if he isn’t spoiled enough, will be very happy when Christmas arrives.

    If you’re working this week, I pray it’s enough to keep the money rollin’ in but not so stressful that you can’t handle it. If you’re unable to work, I hope you’re doing something you love. If you’re sad, I encourage you to find happiness in the little things. In this life, sometimes that’s the best we can do. And that’s okay.

  • Evidence of a Thriving Raspberry

    Not all the time, but most of the time, the little goals we achieve – the ones that remind us that we’re human but still making it – matter more than crossing off the bigger goals. It may be that we’ve all learned not to reach for the moon because life kicks us in the crotch pretty regularly. Or it may be because some of us don’t think enough of ourselves to try harder.

    At any rate, and in an effort to be relatable, below is a list I’ve compiled over the last couple of weeks of small personal successes that have both satisfied me and kept me reaching:

    • As of yesterday, I’m caught up on all of the laundry.
    • I have logged into work on time every day and have even managed to get in some overtime (which means a bigger paycheck, and this close to Christmas? Yes, please).
    • Ozmond the Pup is completely kennel trained and hasn’t had an accident in a week.
    • I set a deadline to have all of the Christmas decorations up by November 1 (nobody tells me what to do so I don’t care if you think that’s too early) and BY GOLLY the tree, garland, wreath, stockings and wall decor are glowing beautifully. I went for a gingerbread theme.
    • My press-ons a/k/a fake nails a/k/a a cheap vice have stayed on for 6 days, which is great because I love the color and shape of these particular nails.
    • I paid off a credit card.
    • I am on track to finish the Bible in six months, finishing the first quarter on time.
    • I found, and have attended consistently, a church that I love. I haven’t made it through a service yet without sobbing, but that’s a goal for another time.
    • I located and purchased the serving platters I have wanted for a very long time, and they were ON SALE!
    • I have also refrained from opening and/or using any of the Christmas presents I have received by mail (for myself), including a Michael Kors bag and wallet I have coveted for several months. Only 6 weeks to go!
    • I perfected my son’s favorite lunch – a chicken Caesar wrap with a side of fruit and a treat. He has eaten a chicken wrap a day for the last two weeks, and every time, it’s “the best one so far.” Since my son is a picky eater, I count it a parenting win.
    • I filled all of the slots of the shadow box on my wall!
    • And finally, my sleep schedule is back on track (thanks to the time change) and I am getting adequate rest, and thereby, energy.

    If you’ve had any success in the last week or two, let’s celebrate together!

  • A Peeved Raspberry

    Good morning to my Raspberries.

    It has been a week.

    I think my days and nights are mixed up, and I find myself staying up later and later, and then sleeping halfway into the day. It will sort itself out, but for now, I’m enjoying the relaxation that comes with working from home and having no obligations outside of my home. Maybe the Lord knows that minor inconveniences would send me over the edge right now, so He’s allowing for prevention of that by keeping me at home.

    And on that note, I thought I’d let you a little more into my world by discussing some of those minor inconveniences. Does not everyone have pet peeves (some more than others, of course)?

    As a general rule, these are, in fact, pet peeves, but I would like to give credit to God for working on my heart lately, and reminding me that others are allotted the same grace He gives to me daily.

    1. That relieving moment you firmly believe your period is over, and then two days later, you find out it isn’t. Am I the only one who experiences this? Are my hormones off somehow? Do I need to get checked? Just asking.
    2. When I’m upset about something and someone tells me to “calm down.” Yes. That’s exactly what I needed. Thanks.
    3. Getting caught at every red light. In the little town where I live, there is a red light at every block, and for whatever reason, more often than not, I get caught at every single red light on the one-way anytime I go anywhere. Me no likey.
    4. A new hole in your favorite leggings. I bought this one pair of leggings from Sam’s probably 4 years ago. They were my favorite – stretchy, slimming, side pockets, ankle length. But since your girl’s thighs touch, I knew it would only be a matter of time before a seam ripped, due to general wear. I have parted ways with those leggings, but I wore them so often that the inside label was not legible. I don’t know the brand name, or even what size I bought, so I can’t replace them. Oh well…
    5. Teenaged drivers. Why do they think they own every road and parking lot? Just why? In no way do I profess to be a good driver. In fact, I’m not at all. But at least I’m courteous.
    6. A flat soft drink. Soda. Pop. Coke. I do drink a LOT of Dr. Pepper. I prefer bottles because I sip on one all day. But if I take too long to finish one and it goes flat. I, as the kids say, literally “can’t even.”
    7. Movie ads / commercials. In the mobile society in which we live these days, I can catch your plugs on social media. Please stop interrupting my Criminal Minds episodes to show me the newest Ninja. I like my crock pot and ioncurr.
    8. Smudges and fingerprints on stainless steel appliances. Scrub and scrub and scrub and wipe down and still smudges. Does anyone have any tips for this?
    9. Breaking a nail when there is no glue in sight. I can’t tell you the number of sets of nails I have had to dispose of because I break a nail and don’t have any glue to reattach it to my actual fingernail. I have not been diagnosed with OCD, but I have a thing about symmetry. I like for things to be even. So if I break a nail and can’t immediately correct the problem, I take the rest of my nails off. I can’t stand it. I did this yesterday, actually, and that’s okay, I guess, because I was able to pick another color this morning and put on a fresh set. But still…
    10. The four little baby hairs at the top of my forehead. It’s new hair growth, which is a good thing, because I shed like a German Shepherd. But the new hair is so short and fine that I can’t stick it on a barrette with my bangs. It’s a good thing I don’t go out much, because it just ends up looking silly.

    I am here to listen. If you need to vent, discuss your own peeves, ask questions, cry – consider doing so to a total stranger – one who will not judge, one who can probably relate, and one who will lift you up in prayer. Send me an email – raspberryicedm@outlook.com.

    Be safe this weekend.

  • Raspberry Therapy Homework

    I have been tasked to identify myself outside of my everyday roles.

    I’m a mother, daughter, employee, aunt, and a great many other things.  But apparently, those are just titles – not “me.”

    I am 38 years old.  And I have no idea who I am.

    I can use various adjectives to describe myself – introverted, kind, witty, sensitive, anxious, melancholy.  

    But I’m not sure if I am actually introverted, or if I have been forced into introversion because I don’t have friends.  I am not sure if I am actually kind or if I do kind things so that other people will like me.  I often wonder if the wit I possess was learned as I began defending myself against every critic that exists in my life.  I probably would not be so sensitive or anxious if I were more confident in myself and my choices.  And I probably wouldn’t be melancholy if I saw a light at any dark tunnel I seem to face every day of my life.  And yet again – do I create the dark tunnels?

    I can tell you things I like – animals, writing, coffee, bubble baths, crime shows.

    And I can even tell you things I look for when choosing friends, or what I looked for when choosing partners – a sense of humor, intelligence, a good work ethic, and for the men in my life, biceps and a beard.

    The irony is that the qualities I value in a person are not values I currently hold.  I would not say I am an honest person.  I cannot call myself loyal.  I wouldn’t even describe myself as selfless.  But those are qualities I treasure.

    And I can’t say I have ever been “at peace.”  There always seems to be something to worry about these days.  

    The roles I am supposed to set aside to complete this essay are ironically things that bring me joy – I love my kids, and I love being a mom, even if I have failed Lexi and Jameson in so many aspects.  I love being a paralegal, and I think I am pretty good at my job. I love being an aunt to my baby nieces and nephews, even if I don’t see them often.  But it all sort of begs the question – does playing those parts really make me happy, or do I just think they “should” make me happy?

    I question everything about myself, all the time.  I wonder if my thoughts are my own or if they’re from some evil that is deeply rooted in me – an evil that needs me to remain insecure and weak and dishonest so that I continue to do its work, burning bridges one bad decision and one failed relationship at a time.

    I think, at my very core, I just want to be accepted.  I want to be enough.  And since I’m not, I tend to change my bells and whistles based on what others expect from me.

    And I have chosen to isolate myself, in part, so that I don’t hurt anyone else, but also so that I can figure out who I am when the expectations of others are off the table.  And I am working on it, but I’m not there yet. 

    So I can’t explain who I am.  The best I can offer is who I want to be.

    I want to be someone who smiles more than she cries.  I want to be able to walk into a room, head up and back straight.  I want to possess the discipline it takes to keep a schedule, to lose weight, and to resist impulses and avoid destructive behavior.  I want to be able to finish things I start.  I want to be the type of person who can find the silver lining in any tough situation, who can remain positive without the need for external validation.  I want to be independent because I choose it, not because it is required due to lack of friendships or other support.  I want to be someone who helps others genuinely instead of out of guilt.

    I want to be able to say to strangers, “Hi, I’m Meg.  I’m 38.  I’m a work from home paralegal.  I make pretty good money, but I’m in too much debt to enjoy most of what I make.  I devote the majority of my time to my son.  But when I have free time, I use it to catch up on t.v., read the Bible, eat Oreos, and overthink.  I’m pretty lonely.  And I don’t trust anyone enough to talk about my own problems, but I would never judge anyone else who wanted to discuss theirs with me.  Any takers?”

    And maybe someday, someone will find all of that acceptable, and I will finally be able to say I have a friend.

  • Raspberry Revelations

    I used to have a “good enough” complex.

    Let me explain what I mean.

    I wanted to be liked so badly, fit in so badly, and be “good enough” so badly, that I would change myself to suit the expectations of others.

    Examples:

    If someone I wanted to spend time with said his/her salary was “x,” I would spend like I made the same amount, or even say I made the same amount. I didn’t want that person to look down on me because I made less money, or feel like I expected favors. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    If one of my friends wanted to go see a scary movie, I would go, knowing full well I do not like scary movies. But I wanted to fit. I wanted to be included, invited, etc. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    Several years ago, someone I cared about made a comment about my weight. I think the exact words were, “How did you get so heavy?” I immediately stopped eating. I wanted to be “good enough.”

    I used to find my worth in the opinions of other people. I used to need approval to feel worthy.

    And those are just a few scenarios.

    So you can imagine how difficult it would be to figure out who I am, even after 38 years.

    I am starting from scratch. I’m relearning lots of things. I look at the smallest situations now, and think to myself, “Wait…do I actually like this? Or did I just say once that I liked it?”

    And even typing all of this now – I know it’s silly.

    So, without fear of being judged by anyone, because, well, I don’t know who even reads these, let me try to list a few very true things about your Raspberry:

    • I am learning how to resist impulses. Having been someone who usually thinks about what “feels good” for 5 minutes rather than the long term consequences, I am praying that demon off of me daily. I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. But I sure don’t want to miss it because I mistook peace for boredom and did something stupid instead of thinking ahead.
    • I am kind. I am so many terrible things – or – rather – I have developed so many terrible habits over 38 years. But I am not an unkind person. In fact, when someone is unkind to me, I tend to accept their opinion as truth, and that’s probably part of where this “good enough” complex came from in the first place. I’ll buy someone else something – clothes, a good meal, whatever – before I ever consider getting something I want. I take care of people who are sick. I forgive even when people are not sorry. And unfortunately, that has made me a doormat in a lot of ways, but it’s hard to regret being kind.
    • I am a 90% all-animal lover. Exceptions? Squirrels, aggressive birds and snakes. (I’ve had some experiences with squirrels that prevent the statement “I love all mammals.” I’ll tell you another day.)
    • I enjoy marshmallow Peeps. You know, the chicks and bunnies you get at Easter? And actually I know they also make them in ghosts and pumpkins at Halloween. I used to say they were nasty, but I do enjoy them. And it’s a snack that no one I know likes all that much, so I don’t have to share them when I find them, and that’s a plus. At least to me.
    • I love to sleep. I love my bed. I stay up later now than I ever have, but I love not having to set an alarm and just waking up when I want.
    • I’m a recovering procrastinator. I’m really praying about this, and I’m working on it. The issue is not motivation. It’s discipline. I find that I get more done under pressure, yet I don’t like to be pressured. A living, breathing, walking contradiction.
    • I drink 2 Dr. Peppers a day. I don’t “guzzle” drinks by any stretch, but I nurse Dr. Pepper off and on all day. And I prefer them at room temperature. Is that gross? Oh well, this about me, not you.
    • I will never again be the type of woman who enjoys dressing up. I find the phrase, “If you look good, you feel good” to be untrue, at least personally. I think dress clothes are uncomfortable. I believe heels were designed by men who don’t have to wear them (I don’t know if that’s true, but it is a valid theory). I never feel better about myself than when I’m in a pair of leggings, a big sweatshirt, and my bedroom slippers. I’ll do my hair and my make up, but I don’t want to wear a dress. I don’t even like wearing jeans anymore.
    • I said earlier that I don’t like horror films, and that is true, but a serial killer documentary, or a new Dateline episode or 48 Hours, or even a dramatization about a crime – like the new Ed Gein series or the Dahmer or Ted Bundy series – I love those. I think what I enjoy most is learning about the minds of these people.
    • I don’t like where I live. Not the house itself – it’s really nice and I do like it. The best parts are that it is decorated how I want, clean, and I have a huge bedroom. But I live in America, in the South – and I don’t like it. Be on the lookout in the future for tales of a move. I am still researching and planning. And praying, of course. I pray a lot these days, and it’s been so beneficial.

    And on this path to self-discovery, please keep an eye out for more “get to know me” posts. We can learn more about me. Together.

    Sleep well, my Raspberries…

  • Wrecked Raspberry

    I have control issues.

    Prior to very recently, I’d have denied it. But the truth is that I do. I want to know what’s going to happen next. I want all of the options communicated to me. I want to know where, when, how, and most importantly, WHY.

    And I realize now what a burden that is to carry. To question others’ motives. To defend every decision I make. To want my hand in the lives of those by whom I feel “affected.”

    I heard this song on the way home from therapy Tuesday that WRECKED me.

    “You don’t have to break just to prove you tried.”

    WHAT?!? You mean to tell me that it’s okay if I walk away from a situation or a person if my ideas don’t align with theirs? I don’t have to sit in criticism, sadness, or self-loathing? I can literally just walk away? I’m allowed to quit?

    I am.

    And so are you.

    If you don’t want to talk to someone, don’t. If someone makes you feel terrible about yourself, walk away, and don’t look back. “No” is a full sentence. Being someone’s doormat does not make that person love you more.

    Here’s the thing – people who keep you in your feelings want you there for a reason. If they can keep you in your feelings, they have a hold on you, and they can keep you out of your greater purpose. Those people will stir up offense, magnify fear, and push insecurities (EVEN IF THEY DON’T “MEAN TO”), because insecurity clouds vision, and cloudy vision delays obedience.

    Today, I say, “No more.” No more feeling awful because I couldn’t take care of everybody, or please everybody, or be “enough” for everybody. No more apologizing repeatedly for my mistakes. I’m forgiven by the One who matters, and that’s enough. No more missing people who know how to contact me. No more crying over failures, because I must have failed for a reason. No more manipulating situations or changing who I am to suit anybody else. No more matching energies. No more competing. No more grudges. No more waiting on other people to get it right. No more expectations of circumstantial change.

    Nobody else’s feelings are my responsibility. Just like my feelings are no one else’s responsibility.

    You don’t have to break yourself, be dishonest about who you are or what you want, or bend over, just to prove you’re trying.

    Let go. Let God. I promise He will do a better job than you anyway.

  • Ten Raspberry ADLs

    Good morning. Well, I suppose it will be afternoon by the time I finish.

    I stay at home most of the time. I don’t go out. There are times when I stay home because I want to and other times because I don’t have the energy or motivation to even begin to put in the effort to put on clothes that button and present to a place, just to leave even more anxious than when I left the house in the first place.

    Tuesdays (like today) are the exception. Every Tuesday I wake up and find a hairbrush and a pair of yoga pants and head to therapy, where I spew the events of the previous week to someone who literally gets paid to listen to people gripe. I don’t want her job.

    But I told her today that none of it will make a bit of difference if there is no progress. So I first asked her if I could even be fixed – or – alternatively – if I was too broken. And then I asked her to pile some work on me. Talking to someone is a start, but if there is no action toward genuine change, talking is pointless.

    And in my head I began to ruminate over how many people with whom I’ve crossed paths who would never understand it. Understand me.

    I have heard it said that we judge other people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions. And I would love to learn how to act – behave – in such a way that there is noticeable, obvious change. Not for anybody else (let’s face it – if I don’t leave the house, there is nothing to notice). But so that I can have peace knowing I’m not the same person I used to be. That I don’t blame my issues on others’ behavior. That I don’t look for validation outside of myself. That I can accept myself for who I am while also setting meaningful goals to better serve my future. Even if that future is lonely or circumstantially difficult.

    And to others, mainly YOU, Raspberry Readers, it may not seem like much. But I have changed a few habits, and added others, that have improved my quality of life.

    • I start every morning with “Thank you, Jesus.” On days when my to-do list outweighs my motivation. On days when my phone is dry. On days when I want to crumble into a ball and let the world run over me. None of those things matter. I’m not gone from this world, which means I still have a purpose. And the gratitude for grace that I have comes from deeply rooted shame and guilt. Just saying “thank you” automatically changes my perspective.
    • I get dressed. I know that seems like a “duh” type of obligation, but I work from home, and on days when it is hard to separate my profession with my personal life, it can be easy to roll out of bed and log in for work. But I’ve found that actually getting up with intention – getting ready for my day – even if I just put on different comfy clothes – prepares me more for both work and my duties at home.
    • I keep my mouth shut. I heard someone say recently, “Never miss someone who knows how to contact you.” Consider my flabbers gasted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to follow that rule, but I do know there are a lot of people I know longer talk to who do not want to talk to me. God’s daughters don’t beg. So I don’t.
    • I utilize a prayer journal. Every night before bed, I turn the t.v. on and actually write out my praise. Sometimes I ask Him for help. Sometimes I ask questions – why this or why that? Sometimes I just tell Him that I am not owed grace or mercy or forgiveness, and I thank Him for giving me what I do not deserve. I tell Him I love him. I tell Him if I’m sad or angry or lonely. I just try to be honest on paper. Last night I asked Him to help me decide on a color theme for the Christmas tree. And I know that is probably silly. But I literally just write letters to Him, and talk to Him like I would a friend. Right now, He’s all I’ve got, and I know He set it up that way, because I need to be more in love with Him than the distractions of the world. I am a living, breathing example of God turning a terrible decision/circumstance/person into something better.
    • I got a dog. My black lab of almost a decade, Zeek, passed away back in March, and I miss him terribly. Every day. But I know myself well enough to realize that I needed something to take care of in order to feel like I am worth anything. So I found Ozzy, and we really hit it off. He’s really tiny and smart and playful and he’s a good bed buddy. I think we are good for each other.
    Meet Ozmond a/k/a Ozzy. No, you can’t have him.
    • I limit my social media time. I have the accounts. I just stay off of them. It’s all fake anyway.
    • Instead, I read the Bible. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or not, but I just started in Genesis and I’m working my way forward. I use a Bible app, and follow my plans as best I can. I read a devotional every day, I take notes, and I give the Lord thanks when I read something that convicts me or jumps out at me. There are a whole lot of people in the world who call themselves “Christians,” who are simultaneously bound by their own agendas. “Lord, you can have ‘that’ part of me, but I’m keeping ‘this’ separate.” I used to be that person, too, so I’m not judging, but I no longer wish for control, because I’ve recognized that I am incapable of handling anything on my own. I am too imperfect. No excuses anymore. I’m on a mission.
    • I SHAMELESSLY window shop online. I don’t always buy. But I just love Amazon. I love Temu. As mentioned earlier, I recently fell down a rabbit hole looking at and thinking about various Christmas tree themes, and I categorized each theme into separate lists on Amazon. I could buy different ornaments every year for a decade and still not run out of ideas. Of all my past obsessions, this current one has proven to take up just enough headspace to keep me off of socials and out of my feelings. I’m really enjoying it so far. I am even flocking my own tree this year and I can’t wait to show you all how it turns out.
    • I plan my day ahead of time. Before I journal my nightly prayer, I pull out my bullet journal and plan the next day. I divide my day into “blocks” of time (if you’re looking for inspo here, search “Jordan Page Block Schedule” on YouTube and she’ll show you how to do it). Every block is filled with things I need to complete. I am not perfect when it comes to following it, but the blocks help keep me on track so that the day doesn’t get away from me. And there’s no guess work. I don’t have to decide what to wear every morning, because it’s written down. I don’t have to spontaneously choose what to cook for dinner, because I meal planned the night before. No need to decide what chore to start with after work – I just look at my list. It helps anxious Raspberry. Highly recommend it.
    • I watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on repeat. I heard once that people who watch the same t.v. shows or movies over and over do so because they cannot handle the anxiety of not knowing what comes next. I don’t know how true that statement is, but I will say this – not only do I love the show, but knowing what I am going to watch is just one less decision I have to make. And since I’m on a journey of relinquishing control, I think it’s appropriate.
    • And lastly, I do this. I blog. I don’t write every day, but throughout the day, I’m thinking about what I want to write about next, asking for guidance, of course. And truthfully, if no one in the world sees this, at least it’s available. I am so grateful to have somewhere to leave my words.

    Until next time, Raspberries…

  • Real Raspberry Growth

    My second therapy appointment was this week. I go every Tuesday at 8:00. My therapist’s name is Christy.

    Having lately been convicted of my mouth, I am doing my level best to do what I feel like I’m being called to do, which is hush. I do not know if it is because I do not trust myself / my words, or if because I am supposed to grow and learn in solitude. I used to live my life and make decisions based on what would make me “the most liked.” Now, while I am sure there are many hurt people in the world who still do not like me, I am choosing to combat that with growth as best I know how. And therapy, hopefully, will be a useful tool while I make my attempt.

    So while I have kept my mouth shut and moved in silence, I have been able to talk to Christy about certain, troublesome aspects of my life. And again, nothing that is “wrong” in my life is anyone’s fault but mine. Sometimes it’s about taking full responsibility for your screw ups.

    And even though I am choosing to remain quiet (I get like two views per day on this blog, so don’t mistake this space as a need for popularity – I only share my experiences because they may help others – not to earn a badge or award or accolades), I realized I can’t get the tools I need to grow if I do not talk to a professional.

    Christy told me today that most people think growth looks like this:

    In reality, growth looks more like this:

    Do you know how much that sucks? First off, I love straight lines. Secondly, this means I have to deal with all of life’s “regular” struggles – paying bills, mothering, working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of animals, all while being tempted, tried – and still find time and energy to GROW?!?

    Yes. I’ve got help. From the only One I need. And this is important to me. Growth is a priority. Healing is a priority.

  • Hypocritical Raspberry – How Forgiveness Changed Me

    Good morning, Raspberries.

    I wanted to talk to you a little bit about something that has been on my heart.

    I went to a new therapist yesterday, my first appointment. I’ll admit it was a little odd. I have been in therapy off and on for about 25 years. I’m not sure if I should or even can decide, after only one appointment, how this will go, especially with a new therapist. But I remain open, and I think that matters.

    I remember telling my therapist yesterday that my “problems” are no one’s fault but mine. My bad decisions. My poor insight. My misdirection.

    Now, at one point in my life, I’d have denied that entirely. Everything wrong in my life was someone else’s fault. My arguments to that point were always bulleted, buttoned-down, and I assessed blame with very strong conviction.

    That is no longer the case. And I may explain why another time.

    In Matthew Chapter 18, beginning in Verse 21, Jesus and his disciple, Peter, have a short conversation about how many times we, as followers of the Lord, are to forgive people. It seemed to me in the text that Peter must have been feeling a bit convicted himself, when he says, I can only imagine tentatively, “…up to SEVEN TIMES?!?”

    Jesus responds, and I am paraphrasing, “Nope. 77 times.”

    I thought about this as I followed the story. And I almost wonder if Jesus wasn’t matching Peter’s energy here – sarcasm with sarcasm.

    I think what Jesus meant, maybe, was that we aren’t supposed to keep count. I think Jesus wants us to keep forgiving people to a point that we stop counting how many times we’ve been hurt.

    Jesus then offers Peter a parable, and He tells a story about a king who cancels the debt of a servant, at which point that same servant, who was then free, choked a fellow servant because he was owed a much lesser amount of money.

    The king forgave and canceled a significant debt of, say $10,000.00, only for that forgiven servant to try to fight one of his fellow servants over a bill?!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?

    And then I remembered – I’ve done that, too.

    I have asked for forgiveness that I was not willing to return. I’ve been given grace, and then I’ve had the audacity to hold a grudge.

    I talked to someone much wiser than me recently about the concept of forgiveness. And he said, “It’s your job to apologize, and whether they forgive you or not is up to them.”

    And when I asked when I’m allowed to stop feeling guilty for what I’ve done wrong, he very quickly replied, “When people try to throw your past back up in your face, you tell them you’re already forgiven.”

    Wow. There’s no way it can be that easy. I can’t possibly feel better until I’m forgiven by those I’ve wronged, right?

    Not true. Someone else’s lack of forgiveness is their burden to carry. Like the debt-free servant in the Lord’s parable to Peter, MY job is to extend the same forgiveness that has been extended to me, over and over and over.

    And so one of my challenges to you, Raspberry Reader, would be to search your heart for every grudge, every scar, and every grievance, and release it. The weight that comes with a lack of forgiveness is not worth carrying.

    Likewise, none of us are “owed” grace or forgiveness, but since Jesus paid the ultimate price, and since we, as imperfect humans, are forgiven, we need not take personally what another person does to hurt us, intentional or not.

    There are so many unhealed parts of me, and I can start healing by releasing certain aspects of my life, and certain aspects of the lives of others, to the One who Heals. I do not have to do it by myself. And neither do you. He’s better at it anyway. Let Him help you.

  • The Raspberry Mirror Letter

    When I can’t think of what to write – when I’m anxious or when writer’s block hits me like a rough wave – I ask ChatGPT to give me a writing prompt.

    Here’s tonight’s:

    Write to yourself as if you’re looking in the mirror right now. Be brutally honest. Describe what you see, what you hide, what you wished others noticed, and what you’re afraid they might.

    Ouch. As someone who is most critical of herself, this might not end well.

    Hi Raspberry,

    Another $6 Temu shirt and pants that “go” but don’t exactly match, you should probably work on your wardrobe. I know you work from home now, but wearing jeans and make up are still options.

    You know what? Nevermind. Be comfy. You don’t have to impress anyone. But does your wardrobe really reflect who you are?

    In the mirror, which is no longer splattered with toothpaste and spit (thank you for cleaning me), I see a very broken, lonely not-yet-woman. I am not sure why I don’t see you as the grown up you are. It could be that some of your emotions and decisions have been immature. It could also be that at 38 years old you don’t “fit” into anyone’s box. You’re a mystery. A constant internal conflict. A little lost. Melancholy with a generally sad spirit. You’re also blind as a bat now. Your gray hairs are poking out of your scalp, a completely different texture from the rest of your fine, dark hair.

    And what is that baby puke green color on your nails? Did you do that on purpose? LOL!

    You wear your heart on your sleeve and too often open up to the wrong people, while you close yourself off to others. You tend to hide the most honest parts of you for fear of not being accepted, and I know, at your core, all you ever really want is to be accepted. Encouraged to be a better version of yourself while also reassured that who you are is good enough. I guess you’ve never really experienced that, have you?

    But you know what? You’re also kind. You accept criticism with grace, and even often agree with the critic. You are a devoted mother, and only once have you chosen your own happiness over your kids’, and even then, you felt incredibly guilty, which is a good thing. You’re a hard worker and attentive to your obligations. You know how to cook, clean, and take care of other people – even people who cannot or will not give you anything in return.

    And perhaps it is only because you’ve made so many mistakes and you have failed so many times, but Girl, you are the least judgmental person I have ever met, outside of Jesus Himself. I hope you find purpose in listening to others. You give them WAY more leniency than you’ve ever given yourself.

    And I know right now you feel empty. And you feel like it’s all your fault. I know that people like you, who, in their most lost feelings, get up and try again anyway.

    Please remember that there is peace in boredom. There is nothing wrong with you – the real you – no matter how much others criticize you. Please remember that you are forgiven by the Most High, and it’s not up to you to settle any score. You’ve apologized, and that is all you can do. Please remember that your mistakes don’t define you. Please remember that healing takes time. Please remember that the only person’s opinion who matters is God’s, and He appreciates that you’ve sought solace in Him. Please remember that messing up doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries. Please remember that being kind doesn’t mean you are obligated to be a doormat. Please remember that desperation is not a redeeming quality. And please remember that there are things far worse than being lonely. Unlike others, you recognize that you’re not always the victim. Unlike others, you try to right your wrongs. And sometimes, it is okay to use your differences to your advantage. Don’t be harder on yourself than you would be on someone else who has made the same mistakes.

    Your Daddy used to tell you to “be smart.” You should take his advice.