Raspberry Iced M

On today’s episode of “So what’s the deal with the raspberry?” – let’s get into 10 facts.

I say “facts” and not “fun facts” because raspberries can be bitter at times.

1. I don’t know who I am. Wait, is that too heavy? I have spent the last 38 years wearing many hats – girlfriend, fiancee, wife, mom, ex wife, daughter, niece, granddaughter, great granddaughter, paralegal, dog mom, cat mom. And I’ve always tended to wear those hats with a certain amount of pride, and then complete tasks that fall in line with each of my roles. But to say I know who I am would not be accurate. And every time I think I have it figured out, I make a mistake or do something impulsive or selfish, and I have to start all over, because I refuse to accept that I’m a failure. So I know things I like and I definitely know things I don’t like. I know my fears. I know what is expected of me. But my core? Giant blob of confusion. Query – is it strange to be doing a “facts” post when I don’t even know who I am? Yeah. I probably didn’t think this through.
2. I found out two days ago that I was born on a full moon. I would like to blame so many things in my life on that one fact. But at least now that’s something I know, even if it doesn’t change a single thing that has happened in my life to date.
3. I wear a giant t-shirt to bed almost every single night. I own pajamas, yes. And I wear them during my workday (I work from home). But I don’t wear pajamas like I guess people are “supposed to.”
4. I can’t paint my fingernails because my real nails have vertical ridges in them. Grooves that stand out when covered in polish. But I love the look of a crisp, short manicure. So I buy press ons from Dollar General or Walmart or Temu, most recently, and I do them myself. They last 4 or 5 days, and then I get annoyed and pop them off and do another set. And even going through 4 or 5 sets of nails a month is still cheaper than one trip to the nail salon. Right now, they’re blue, and the longer I look at them, the more the color reminds me of the 1995 periwinkle Mercury Villager I drove back and forth to work and church my senior year of high school. And now I kind of want to rip the nails off, especially because they don’t match the nude/beige shade of my painted toenails. Ick.
5. To that end, I clip the skin off of the tips of my fingers. I remember I once had to do a background check for a job at Chase Bank, and the officer who took my fingerprints asked me if I had been burned. And I told my former therapist about it, and when I showed her, she nearly teared up with what I presume, even still, was a combination of disappointment and concern. And that was almost 15 years ago.
6. I don’t carry a purse. With me at all times is: a tube of chapstick, my vape, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, my cell phone (Android for life), and reading glasses and sunglasses. And if I’m in public, which will be rare from here on out, I’m almost always in leggings.
7. I can’t watch horror movies or t.v. series, for fear of peeing said leggings. No, I’m not kidding.
8. No matter what time I go to bed, I need 8 hours of sleep. If I don’t get those 8 hours during the night, you can count on a nap at some point the next day.
9. When I was younger, I was so glad that Joey picked Pacey. That Bella picked Edward. That Elena picked Damon. And now I am convinced Joey should’ve chosen Dawson. Bella would’ve been better off with Jacob. And Elena should’ve ended up with Stephen. Queue the Charlie in Twilight quote – “Sometimes you have to learn to love what is good for you.” Now, more than ever, I believe that love is not always dramatic or dynamic or even all about compromise or sacrifice, as we’ve often been told or as we see in movies. Love is safe. It’s kind. It’s honest. It’s comfortable. It’s calm. It feels like home. And I don’t think real love takes much work. Compatibility should be natural.
10. I play the “What if?” game a lot. An avid over thinker, I often ponder The Butterfly Effect and how my life would’ve been different if I’d just made one decision differently. I know it doesn’t benefit me, and that is not to say I don’t have a good life. I do. A life I don’t deserve. A life I’m grateful to have. But that is not to say I wouldn’t undo some of my decisions, given the choice. Maybe I’d have pushed to get my Master’s. Maybe I’d have taken different routes the two times I totaled two separate cars, once that could’ve very well killed me. Maybe I’d have skipped the second marriage altogether (I’ll tell you about that another time). Given the day or hour, there are a million things I’d do differently. But then would that still mean I’d be sitting on a comfortable couch, in my huge t-shirt, puppy and Chromebook in my lap? Who knows?

What are the types of things you guys like reading? I want to make sure these posts are insightful and entertaining, and at the same time, cathartic for me.

Thank you for being here.