Raspberry Iced M

When I can’t think of what to write – when I’m anxious or when writer’s block hits me like a rough wave – I ask ChatGPT to give me a writing prompt.

Here’s tonight’s:

Write to yourself as if you’re looking in the mirror right now. Be brutally honest. Describe what you see, what you hide, what you wished others noticed, and what you’re afraid they might.

Ouch. As someone who is most critical of herself, this might not end well.

Hi Raspberry,

Another $6 Temu shirt and pants that “go” but don’t exactly match, you should probably work on your wardrobe. I know you work from home now, but wearing jeans and make up are still options.

You know what? Nevermind. Be comfy. You don’t have to impress anyone. But does your wardrobe really reflect who you are?

In the mirror, which is no longer splattered with toothpaste and spit (thank you for cleaning me), I see a very broken, lonely not-yet-woman. I am not sure why I don’t see you as the grown up you are. It could be that some of your emotions and decisions have been immature. It could also be that at 38 years old you don’t “fit” into anyone’s box. You’re a mystery. A constant internal conflict. A little lost. Melancholy with a generally sad spirit. You’re also blind as a bat now. Your gray hairs are poking out of your scalp, a completely different texture from the rest of your fine, dark hair.

And what is that baby puke green color on your nails? Did you do that on purpose? LOL!

You wear your heart on your sleeve and too often open up to the wrong people, while you close yourself off to others. You tend to hide the most honest parts of you for fear of not being accepted, and I know, at your core, all you ever really want is to be accepted. Encouraged to be a better version of yourself while also reassured that who you are is good enough. I guess you’ve never really experienced that, have you?

But you know what? You’re also kind. You accept criticism with grace, and even often agree with the critic. You are a devoted mother, and only once have you chosen your own happiness over your kids’, and even then, you felt incredibly guilty, which is a good thing. You’re a hard worker and attentive to your obligations. You know how to cook, clean, and take care of other people – even people who cannot or will not give you anything in return.

And perhaps it is only because you’ve made so many mistakes and you have failed so many times, but Girl, you are the least judgmental person I have ever met, outside of Jesus Himself. I hope you find purpose in listening to others. You give them WAY more leniency than you’ve ever given yourself.

And I know right now you feel empty. And you feel like it’s all your fault. I know that people like you, who, in their most lost feelings, get up and try again anyway.

Please remember that there is peace in boredom. There is nothing wrong with you – the real you – no matter how much others criticize you. Please remember that you are forgiven by the Most High, and it’s not up to you to settle any score. You’ve apologized, and that is all you can do. Please remember that your mistakes don’t define you. Please remember that healing takes time. Please remember that the only person’s opinion who matters is God’s, and He appreciates that you’ve sought solace in Him. Please remember that messing up doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries. Please remember that being kind doesn’t mean you are obligated to be a doormat. Please remember that desperation is not a redeeming quality. And please remember that there are things far worse than being lonely. Unlike others, you recognize that you’re not always the victim. Unlike others, you try to right your wrongs. And sometimes, it is okay to use your differences to your advantage. Don’t be harder on yourself than you would be on someone else who has made the same mistakes.

Your Daddy used to tell you to “be smart.” You should take his advice.