Raspberry Iced M

Good morning. Well, I suppose it will be afternoon by the time I finish.

I stay at home most of the time. I don’t go out. There are times when I stay home because I want to and other times because I don’t have the energy or motivation to even begin to put in the effort to put on clothes that button and present to a place, just to leave even more anxious than when I left the house in the first place.

Tuesdays (like today) are the exception. Every Tuesday I wake up and find a hairbrush and a pair of yoga pants and head to therapy, where I spew the events of the previous week to someone who literally gets paid to listen to people gripe. I don’t want her job.

But I told her today that none of it will make a bit of difference if there is no progress. So I first asked her if I could even be fixed – or – alternatively – if I was too broken. And then I asked her to pile some work on me. Talking to someone is a start, but if there is no action toward genuine change, talking is pointless.

And in my head I began to ruminate over how many people with whom I’ve crossed paths who would never understand it. Understand me.

I have heard it said that we judge other people based on their actions, and we judge ourselves based on our intentions. And I would love to learn how to act – behave – in such a way that there is noticeable, obvious change. Not for anybody else (let’s face it – if I don’t leave the house, there is nothing to notice). But so that I can have peace knowing I’m not the same person I used to be. That I don’t blame my issues on others’ behavior. That I don’t look for validation outside of myself. That I can accept myself for who I am while also setting meaningful goals to better serve my future. Even if that future is lonely or circumstantially difficult.

And to others, mainly YOU, Raspberry Readers, it may not seem like much. But I have changed a few habits, and added others, that have improved my quality of life.

• I start every morning with “Thank you, Jesus.” On days when my to-do list outweighs my motivation. On days when my phone is dry. On days when I want to crumble into a ball and let the world run over me. None of those things matter. I’m not gone from this world, which means I still have a purpose. And the gratitude for grace that I have comes from deeply rooted shame and guilt. Just saying “thank you” automatically changes my perspective.
• I get dressed. I know that seems like a “duh” type of obligation, but I work from home, and on days when it is hard to separate my profession with my personal life, it can be easy to roll out of bed and log in for work. But I’ve found that actually getting up with intention – getting ready for my day – even if I just put on different comfy clothes – prepares me more for both work and my duties at home.
• I keep my mouth shut. I heard someone say recently, “Never miss someone who knows how to contact you.” Consider my flabbers gasted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to follow that rule, but I do know there are a lot of people I know longer talk to who do not want to talk to me. God’s daughters don’t beg. So I don’t.
• I utilize a prayer journal. Every night before bed, I turn the t.v. on and actually write out my praise. Sometimes I ask Him for help. Sometimes I ask questions – why this or why that? Sometimes I just tell Him that I am not owed grace or mercy or forgiveness, and I thank Him for giving me what I do not deserve. I tell Him I love him. I tell Him if I’m sad or angry or lonely. I just try to be honest on paper. Last night I asked Him to help me decide on a color theme for the Christmas tree. And I know that is probably silly. But I literally just write letters to Him, and talk to Him like I would a friend. Right now, He’s all I’ve got, and I know He set it up that way, because I need to be more in love with Him than the distractions of the world. I am a living, breathing example of God turning a terrible decision/circumstance/person into something better.
• I got a dog. My black lab of almost a decade, Zeek, passed away back in March, and I miss him terribly. Every day. But I know myself well enough to realize that I needed something to take care of in order to feel like I am worth anything. So I found Ozzy, and we really hit it off. He’s really tiny and smart and playful and he’s a good bed buddy. I think we are good for each other.

• I limit my social media time. I have the accounts. I just stay off of them. It’s all fake anyway.
• Instead, I read the Bible. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or not, but I just started in Genesis and I’m working my way forward. I use a Bible app, and follow my plans as best I can. I read a devotional every day, I take notes, and I give the Lord thanks when I read something that convicts me or jumps out at me. There are a whole lot of people in the world who call themselves “Christians,” who are simultaneously bound by their own agendas. “Lord, you can have ‘that’ part of me, but I’m keeping ‘this’ separate.” I used to be that person, too, so I’m not judging, but I no longer wish for control, because I’ve recognized that I am incapable of handling anything on my own. I am too imperfect. No excuses anymore. I’m on a mission.
• I SHAMELESSLY window shop online. I don’t always buy. But I just love Amazon. I love Temu. As mentioned earlier, I recently fell down a rabbit hole looking at and thinking about various Christmas tree themes, and I categorized each theme into separate lists on Amazon. I could buy different ornaments every year for a decade and still not run out of ideas. Of all my past obsessions, this current one has proven to take up just enough headspace to keep me off of socials and out of my feelings. I’m really enjoying it so far. I am even flocking my own tree this year and I can’t wait to show you all how it turns out.
• I plan my day ahead of time. Before I journal my nightly prayer, I pull out my bullet journal and plan the next day. I divide my day into “blocks” of time (if you’re looking for inspo here, search “Jordan Page Block Schedule” on YouTube and she’ll show you how to do it). Every block is filled with things I need to complete. I am not perfect when it comes to following it, but the blocks help keep me on track so that the day doesn’t get away from me. And there’s no guess work. I don’t have to decide what to wear every morning, because it’s written down. I don’t have to spontaneously choose what to cook for dinner, because I meal planned the night before. No need to decide what chore to start with after work – I just look at my list. It helps anxious Raspberry. Highly recommend it.
• I watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on repeat. I heard once that people who watch the same t.v. shows or movies over and over do so because they cannot handle the anxiety of not knowing what comes next. I don’t know how true that statement is, but I will say this – not only do I love the show, but knowing what I am going to watch is just one less decision I have to make. And since I’m on a journey of relinquishing control, I think it’s appropriate.
• And lastly, I do this. I blog. I don’t write every day, but throughout the day, I’m thinking about what I want to write about next, asking for guidance, of course. And truthfully, if no one in the world sees this, at least it’s available. I am so grateful to have somewhere to leave my words.

Until next time, Raspberries…