Raspberry Iced M

I used to have a “good enough” complex.

Let me explain what I mean.

I wanted to be liked so badly, fit in so badly, and be “good enough” so badly, that I would change myself to suit the expectations of others.

Examples:

If someone I wanted to spend time with said his/her salary was “x,” I would spend like I made the same amount, or even say I made the same amount. I didn’t want that person to look down on me because I made less money, or feel like I expected favors. I wanted to be “good enough.”

If one of my friends wanted to go see a scary movie, I would go, knowing full well I do not like scary movies. But I wanted to fit. I wanted to be included, invited, etc. I wanted to be “good enough.”

Several years ago, someone I cared about made a comment about my weight. I think the exact words were, “How did you get so heavy?” I immediately stopped eating. I wanted to be “good enough.”

I used to find my worth in the opinions of other people. I used to need approval to feel worthy.

And those are just a few scenarios.

So you can imagine how difficult it would be to figure out who I am, even after 38 years.

I am starting from scratch. I’m relearning lots of things. I look at the smallest situations now, and think to myself, “Wait…do I actually like this? Or did I just say once that I liked it?”

And even typing all of this now – I know it’s silly.

So, without fear of being judged by anyone, because, well, I don’t know who even reads these, let me try to list a few very true things about your Raspberry:

• I am learning how to resist impulses. Having been someone who usually thinks about what “feels good” for 5 minutes rather than the long term consequences, I am praying that demon off of me daily. I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. But I sure don’t want to miss it because I mistook peace for boredom and did something stupid instead of thinking ahead.
• I am kind. I am so many terrible things – or – rather – I have developed so many terrible habits over 38 years. But I am not an unkind person. In fact, when someone is unkind to me, I tend to accept their opinion as truth, and that’s probably part of where this “good enough” complex came from in the first place. I’ll buy someone else something – clothes, a good meal, whatever – before I ever consider getting something I want. I take care of people who are sick. I forgive even when people are not sorry. And unfortunately, that has made me a doormat in a lot of ways, but it’s hard to regret being kind.
• I am a 90% all-animal lover. Exceptions? Squirrels, aggressive birds and snakes. (I’ve had some experiences with squirrels that prevent the statement “I love all mammals.” I’ll tell you another day.)
• I enjoy marshmallow Peeps. You know, the chicks and bunnies you get at Easter? And actually I know they also make them in ghosts and pumpkins at Halloween. I used to say they were nasty, but I do enjoy them. And it’s a snack that no one I know likes all that much, so I don’t have to share them when I find them, and that’s a plus. At least to me.
• I love to sleep. I love my bed. I stay up later now than I ever have, but I love not having to set an alarm and just waking up when I want.
• I’m a recovering procrastinator. I’m really praying about this, and I’m working on it. The issue is not motivation. It’s discipline. I find that I get more done under pressure, yet I don’t like to be pressured. A living, breathing, walking contradiction.
• I drink 2 Dr. Peppers a day. I don’t “guzzle” drinks by any stretch, but I nurse Dr. Pepper off and on all day. And I prefer them at room temperature. Is that gross? Oh well, this about me, not you.
• I will never again be the type of woman who enjoys dressing up. I find the phrase, “If you look good, you feel good” to be untrue, at least personally. I think dress clothes are uncomfortable. I believe heels were designed by men who don’t have to wear them (I don’t know if that’s true, but it is a valid theory). I never feel better about myself than when I’m in a pair of leggings, a big sweatshirt, and my bedroom slippers. I’ll do my hair and my make up, but I don’t want to wear a dress. I don’t even like wearing jeans anymore.
• I said earlier that I don’t like horror films, and that is true, but a serial killer documentary, or a new Dateline episode or 48 Hours, or even a dramatization about a crime – like the new Ed Gein series or the Dahmer or Ted Bundy series – I love those. I think what I enjoy most is learning about the minds of these people.
• I don’t like where I live. Not the house itself – it’s really nice and I do like it. The best parts are that it is decorated how I want, clean, and I have a huge bedroom. But I live in America, in the South – and I don’t like it. Be on the lookout in the future for tales of a move. I am still researching and planning. And praying, of course. I pray a lot these days, and it’s been so beneficial.

And on this path to self-discovery, please keep an eye out for more “get to know me” posts. We can learn more about me. Together.

Sleep well, my Raspberries…