Raspberry Iced M

I have been tasked to identify myself outside of my everyday roles.

I’m a mother, daughter, employee, aunt, and a great many other things.  But apparently, those are just titles – not “me.”

I am 38 years old.  And I have no idea who I am.

I can use various adjectives to describe myself – introverted, kind, witty, sensitive, anxious, melancholy.  

But I’m not sure if I am actually introverted, or if I have been forced into introversion because I don’t have friends.  I am not sure if I am actually kind or if I do kind things so that other people will like me.  I often wonder if the wit I possess was learned as I began defending myself against every critic that exists in my life.  I probably would not be so sensitive or anxious if I were more confident in myself and my choices.  And I probably wouldn’t be melancholy if I saw a light at any dark tunnel I seem to face every day of my life.  And yet again – do I create the dark tunnels?

I can tell you things I like – animals, writing, coffee, bubble baths, crime shows.

And I can even tell you things I look for when choosing friends, or what I looked for when choosing partners – a sense of humor, intelligence, a good work ethic, and for the men in my life, biceps and a beard.

The irony is that the qualities I value in a person are not values I currently hold.  I would not say I am an honest person.  I cannot call myself loyal.  I wouldn’t even describe myself as selfless.  But those are qualities I treasure.

And I can’t say I have ever been “at peace.”  There always seems to be something to worry about these days.  

The roles I am supposed to set aside to complete this essay are ironically things that bring me joy – I love my kids, and I love being a mom, even if I have failed Lexi and Jameson in so many aspects.  I love being a paralegal, and I think I am pretty good at my job. I love being an aunt to my baby nieces and nephews, even if I don’t see them often.  But it all sort of begs the question – does playing those parts really make me happy, or do I just think they “should” make me happy?

I question everything about myself, all the time.  I wonder if my thoughts are my own or if they’re from some evil that is deeply rooted in me – an evil that needs me to remain insecure and weak and dishonest so that I continue to do its work, burning bridges one bad decision and one failed relationship at a time.

I think, at my very core, I just want to be accepted.  I want to be enough.  And since I’m not, I tend to change my bells and whistles based on what others expect from me.

And I have chosen to isolate myself, in part, so that I don’t hurt anyone else, but also so that I can figure out who I am when the expectations of others are off the table.  And I am working on it, but I’m not there yet. 

So I can’t explain who I am.  The best I can offer is who I want to be.

I want to be someone who smiles more than she cries.  I want to be able to walk into a room, head up and back straight.  I want to possess the discipline it takes to keep a schedule, to lose weight, and to resist impulses and avoid destructive behavior.  I want to be able to finish things I start.  I want to be the type of person who can find the silver lining in any tough situation, who can remain positive without the need for external validation.  I want to be independent because I choose it, not because it is required due to lack of friendships or other support.  I want to be someone who helps others genuinely instead of out of guilt.

I want to be able to say to strangers, “Hi, I’m Meg.  I’m 38.  I’m a work from home paralegal.  I make pretty good money, but I’m in too much debt to enjoy most of what I make.  I devote the majority of my time to my son.  But when I have free time, I use it to catch up on t.v., read the Bible, eat Oreos, and overthink.  I’m pretty lonely.  And I don’t trust anyone enough to talk about my own problems, but I would never judge anyone else who wanted to discuss theirs with me.  Any takers?”

And maybe someday, someone will find all of that acceptable, and I will finally be able to say I have a friend.