Raspberry Iced M

Since September, I have attended weekly therapy (minus two separate weeks – one because of illness and one because I legit turned my alarm off in my sleep).

On one hand, someone to whom I no longer speak told me I needed “serious help.” On the other hand, I am an advocate of therapy.

And there’s a third hand somewhere in the air that also knows I think and feel certain things I could not and would not share with an amateur.

(Not only do I have control issues – but can you tell I have trust issues, too?)

Today, we talked about two things: (1) The path to self-discovery; and (2) Self-forgiveness.

I do not know when it happened, how it happened, or how I learned it, but at some point I deduced that in order to be loved, I needed to be productive.

Make good grades. Clean the house. Make the dinner. Wear the dress. Pay the bills. Be available. Relinquish the boundary. And bend to every whim assigned by others. Maybe then (but probably only then) would I be accepted. Because as long as I was producing something, I couldn’t be dismissed.

But as the cycle often goes, production without rest often leads to exhaustion and resentment.

So while I’m cleaning, cooking, paying bills, and buying the gifts, I’m questioning my worth, and in the back of my mind, frustration is building.

“I can’t – and should not have to – do this by myself,” replaying over and over in my head…

Until I break. I stop. And I run.

And I run to something often toxic and/or unhealthy, just so I can feel like “me” again, justified by the internal phrase, “I deserve to be happy.”

The problem with running is that running doesn’t actually make you happy. It’s just a distraction.

Running does not solve the problem. It creates different problems.

So imagine my disgust when I stop running only to end up with two different sets of problems:

1. The mess I made when I took off (i.e. – selfish, impulsive decisions, toxic relationships with people for whom I also ironically had to “produce,” and the once healthy relationships that suffered because I neglected them), and the subsequent clean up required, internally and logistically, in order to make things right.
2. The cyclical process of forgiving myself for making the same mistake, over and over again, seemingly without learning my lesson, because apparently, I cannot learn from my mistakes after one go-round. I need to make that mistake 3 or 4 times just to verify that it’s actually a mistake.

Facepalm.

For the last six months, I have been making very intentional steps to remedy the first problem. Therapy. Journaling. Blogging. Reading. And most importantly, prayer. Praying for those I’ve hurt. Praying for those who have hurt me. Praying for answers. And praying for forgiveness.

The second problem, self-forgiveness, is where I get stuck. And I figure that’s where a lot of people get stuck, especially those who have control issues like me.

Punishing myself by replaying those mistakes over and over is, in the long run, a way to maintain control. It’s my way of preventing future mistakes. I subconsciously decide that I do not trust myself, and I place my decisions into a box that requires constant attention and cultivates constant second-guessing. And I also decide subconsciously that I simply do not deserve forgiveness until everyone else is okay. “When he/she forgives me, I’ll forgive myself,” thereby leaving my fate in the hands of others (which may not seem like control, but it is).

But shame never fixed anything – my mistakes, most of all.

Shame is, counteractively, unproductive. Shame freezes your pain and makes your circumstances permanent.

So I asked my therapist how to forgive myself. I share the information I learned with you. It is cathartic.

Self-forgiveness isn’t about pretending nothing happened.

It’s just about releasing yourself from perpetual punishment.

And while I used to think that forgiving myself meant erasing the past or minimizing harm, what I am learning is that it actually just means (1) telling the truth; and (2) refusing to stay imprisoned by it.

No, these aren’t easy steps for anyone. But they’re steady.

1. Tell the truth without embellishment. No minimizing. No catastrophizing. Just, “This is what happened.” Write it down if necessary. Forgiving yourself begins with honesty, not drama.
2. Separate responsibility from identity. Acknowledging harm is not a character sentence. Making a mistake is something you did, not who you are.
3. Allow appropriate guilt, but not permanent shame. Guilt can help guide repair, but shame keeps you stuck. If a feeling does not move you toward wisdom or change, it should not stay forever.
4. Name what you’ve already learned. If you would not make the same choice today, that matters. And read this carefully: Growth counts even if consequences remain. Learning is not an excuse. It’s evidence.
5. Acknowledge what you didn’t know then. Context isn’t justification, but it is clarity. We act with the tools we have in any decision-making moment. Understanding your past, and the capacity you had, creates compassion without denial.
6. Make amends where possible, and release what isn’t. While you should repair what you can, you also have to accept that some things cannot be fixed, only respected. Self-forgiveness does not require universal reconciliation, and that’s as hard for me as it probably is for others.
7. Stop resentencing yourself. If you have owned it, learned from it, and adjusted your behavior, you’ve officially become accountable. Continuing to punish yourself is not accountability. It’s just habit.
8. Practice speaking to yourself like someone who is redeemable. Not lenient. Not indulgent. Just a human being. And another thing? If redemption is possible for others, it is possible for you.
9. Trust the process and allow forgiveness to be gradual. Much like growth, self-forgiveness is not linear. You won’t wake up forgiven one random morning. This is something that requires practice, especially on days when self-doubt resurfaces. It’s a choice you have to make every day, in small steps. Rinse and repeat.
10. Choose forward responsibility over backward obsession. I try to look at it this way: Self-forgiveness in no way erases the past. It frees us up to live responsibly now. And that’s the most meaningful apology I can offer.

Self forgiveness does not equal forgetting. It’s just the act of releasing the belief that you must suffer forever to prove that you understand.

Two things can be true at the same time – you can carry both regret and dignity. You can remember and move forward. You can be accountable and free.

And you are allowed to begin again, without dragging a sentence behind you.

I hope your day is going really well. I’m signing off to make baked spaghetti.