Raspberry Iced M

This is not a list born out of disappointment. Instead, this was born out of clarity.

At one point in my life, I carried a quiet set of expectations everywhere I went. I had hoped people would show up the way I would, care the way I cared, notice the things I noticed. I hoped for the same grace for my shortcomings that I extended to others for theirs.

What I am learning, though, is that releasing certain expectations doesn’t make me colder. It actually frees me from so much anxiety.

These are the things I no longer expect from other people:

1. I don’t expect people to read my mind. Silence isn’t communication, even when it feels obvious to me. If something matters, I am learning to name it. And if I name it and nothing changes, I release it. It is as simple (and as complicated) as that. Clarity trumps resentment. Every time.
2. I don’t expect the same level of self-awareness. Not everyone reflects constantly. Not everyone revisits conversations at 2 a.m. That doesn’t mean they’re careless. They’re just different than me. And how boring would this world be if everyone thought the same way I do?
3. I don’t expect consistency from people who haven’t practiced it. Patterns matter more than promises. So I am practicing consistency for myself. And as for others, I let behavior speak instead of hoping words will grow legs. (This is not to say people can’t change, because they absolutely can. But some people don’t want to – see #1 as to how to release those people.)
4. I don’t expect people to value what I value. Care looks different in different hands. Someone else’s priorities don’t have to mirror mine to be real or valid. The same goes for feelings, preferences, [insert thing here].
5. I don’t expect closure anymore. Boy, oh boy, I used to. But some things just end quietly. Some things don’t end at all. And I’ve learned to make peace without a concluding conversation.
6. I don’t expect accountability from people who avoid discomfort. Growth requires willingness. I can’t manufacture that for anyone else. And in the last 6 months or so, so many things in my life have changed – financially, physically, circumstantially. All because I knew things needed to change in my life. I was willing to put in the work. Some people aren’t. And until they are…
7. I don’t expect people to show up the way I do. I give deeply, intuitively, thoughtfully. But that’s just my way. It’s not the universal standard. Letting go of this expectation has saved me so much recent silent disappointment.
8. I don’t expect others to protect my boundaries. That’s my job. And I figured out that people will test what isn’t clearly held. That’s not necessarily malice. It’s just human nature. But it’s why boundaries need to be very clear. Always.
9. I don’t expect understanding from people committed to misunderstanding. Explanations don’t work when someone only hears what he/she wants to hear. I’ve over explained far too much throughout my life, gripping tightly to the idea that if someone just understood, they would accept me. That is not the case. So now, I just let that be information. I no longer consider it a personal failure.
10. I don’t expect to be everyone’s priority. And more than that, I no longer try to earn that position by over-giving. Mutuality does not need convincing.

What I expect these days is honesty – from myself first. I expect clarity where possible and acceptance where it isn’t. I expect to meet people where they are – and decide accordingly.

I thought that letting go of these expectations would make be bitter. But it hasn’t. It has made me calmer. Clearer. More self-respecting.

I no longer wait for others to become who I need.

I listen. I adjust. And I move forward – with my eyes open.

Letting go of expectations for other people didn’t leave a void, ironically. It made room. For a long time, my expectations lived outward – how others would show up, understand, respond, repair. What I am learning now is that the only expectations that actually stabilize my life are the ones I hold for myself.

And they’re not demands. They’re agreements.

1. I expect honesty, even when it is inconvenient. Not perfection, necessarily. And not even flawless self-awareness anymore. Just the willingness to tell myself the truth instead of narrating around it.
2. I expect myself to listen when something feels off. I don’t dismiss discomfort anymore or intellectualize it out of existence. When something keeps nudging me, I pay attention.
3. I expect follow-through when considering my own boundaries. Nothing rigid. Just consistent respect. Because I can’t ask others to honor what I repeatedly ignore.
4. I expect self-compassion when I fall short. Correction doesn’t require cruelty. And growth doesn’t require punishment. I expect myself to respond with care, not contempt. This has become a slow process, as I am my own worst critic. But I have figured out in the last few months that I am worth compassion, even if other people don’t extend it.
5. I expect effort, but not over-functioning. I show up. I contribute. But I no longer carry what isn’t mine to hold. Not bitterness. Not financial burdens. Not workload.
6. I expect pause before explanation. Not every choice needs justification. Not every feeling needs a defense. Silence has now become a complete sentence. And it has been so freeing.
7. I expect alignment over approval. I no longer abandon my values to stay “liked.” Belonging that costs me myself isn’t belonging at all. It’s dishonest.
8. I expect learning to be ongoing. I possess the “How hard could it be?” gene. In reality, though, I won’t always get it right the first time. So I need to stay teachable.
9. I expect rest to be part of the plan. Rest isn’t a reward. It’s not something I earn after wearing myself out or depleting myself. Rest is a requirement. And it’s something to which we are all entitled.
10. I expect myself to choose “forward.” I can’t live permanently in regret or rehearsal. I own what is mine, I adjust, and I keep moving.

These expectations aren’t a guarantee that my life will ever be easy. They guarantee integrity. When I hold myself to what actually matters – honesty, care, alignment, responsibility – I stop outsourcing my sense of stability to other people.

I don’t need other people to become anything different so that my life feels more grounded. I don’t need anyone else to change in order to feel safe – not anymore.

And that, finally, feels solid.