Raspberry Iced M

This isn’t a confession or a takedown.

This is an inventory, taken calmly, without theatrics.

I have been enough time blaming myself for things that were not mine. And that makes it easier, now, to name the moments that were.

In an effort to close loops, as opposed to reopen wounds, I was the problem when:

1. I avoided discomfort instead of addressing it. The eggshells I walked on, hoping things would resolve on their own, sent me spiraling. At times, silence, or flat out dishonesty, felt safer than a conversation or a boundary. And I let the choice to not address a situation do damage to my life and the lives of others.
2. I explained instead of listening. When silence didn’t fit the situation, I did the opposite. I talked to be understood, when what was actually needed was curiosity. Yes, clarity matters. But timing matters more sometimes.
3. I stayed because it was familiar, not because it was healthy. I confused endurance with commitment. But staying in chaotic relationships or situations is not “proving loyalty.” It is fear, dressed up as patience.
4. I reacted instead of regulating. Many, many times, I have spoken from a place of emotion instead pausing to respond based on my values. And impact happened before intention had a place to catch up.
5. I expected people to change without directly saying what I needed. What I assume is obvious sometimes actually isn’t. People are not mind readers. Unspoken expectations are not generosity. They’re guessing games, disguised as passivity.
6. I overfunctioned until resentment built. I did more than was asked. I offered more than I had. And then I blamed other people for taking what I kept giving. That was on me, not them.
7. I took responsibility for everything. Ironically, this was not humility. It was control. If it was all my fault, then it was manageable. But that belief hurt me. It hurt others, too, while also giving them a free pass to continue to behave in a destructive way.
8. I confused being right with being relational. Opposite #7, at one point, accuracy mattered more to me than connection. Operating under the belief that everything was black or white, there have been times I have known with 100% certainty that I was correct. In heated discussions, I felt it necessary to shut people down, defend myself, and provide facts to back of my case. Sometimes I won the fight. But I lost the moment.
9. I delayed boundaries until resentment set in. I used to bottle it all up, keep a running tally, and let things go too long, only to enforce limits too late and too sharply. Clear boundaries made early would’ve been kinder to everyone.
10. I punish myself instead of learning. I still struggle with this one. I tend to replay mistakes long after they’ve taught me what they could. And I think I do that because I repeat some of the same mistakes over and over. That means, in my mind, there is documented evidence that I do not learn my lesson the first time. So, to counter that, I double down, tighten my leash, and isolate myself. Picture disciplining a teenager. The first time, a warning. The second, a lecture. The third, fourth, fifth, severe punishment, including but not limited to loss of privileges. I tell myself I don’t deserve friends because I hurt people. I tell myself I can’t enjoy things because I don’t deserve to be happy. I refuse my body rest until tasks are complete. I give those I hurt unlimited access to me in an attempt to mend fences.

I have been “the problem” in certain moments.

But those moments do not define me. They inform me.

Accountability is not just about living in regret. It’s about living with clarity.

I don’t need to forget these things. I also don’t need to relive them. I can hold responsibility and self-respect at the same time.

That combination is what actually changes things.