Raspberry Iced M

I do not know if I’ll share this or if this will become a write-and-save. At any rate, since I’ve been talking about growth, I thought I should draft a memorandum with a list of noticeable changes I have made so far so that said list is available to me the next time I feel stunted.

In no way am I finished. In fact, I don’t think we ever “finish.” But as I have battled people in my life who were set in their ways, it has become very clear to me that growth matters more to me than acceptance. Well…most of the time anyway.

1. My mindset shifted from explanation to accountability. Seven months ago, the questions I’d ask myself revolved around why things happened – patterns, diagnoses, motivations, dynamics. But over time, I started asking myself questions that prompted true change. What does this shift actually look like? How do I move forward even if…? How do I press on given the consequences of my past choices? That is a noticeable shift from analysis to ownership, and just the reframing of my internal interrogatives has manifested into outward softness.
2. I reset my focus from external validation to internal integrity. I used to base how I felt about myself completely on what others thought/said, whether other people forgave me, and how other people interpreted my words and actions. In doing so, I became incredibly insecure. Now, I just try to do the next right thing, no matter how small, and regardless of who congratulates me or notices. While I used to be consumed with reputation management, what I focus on now is character development. And I’ll admit that being rejected still hurts, and there are still days when I crumble into a ball of loneliness. To be honest, I do not know if that will ever completely go away. But the fact that I am crumbling less now than I did last year is noteworthy progress.
3. I have stopped romanticizing intensity. So many of my past decisions were driven by emotion, intensity or escape, which is why my nervous system was out of whack for the first 20 years of my adult life. My life now is not what other people would consider “glamorous.” My routine is calm. Steady. Sustainable. Peace can feel boring compared to the dynamic I used to think I needed. But this way is healthier.
4. I have slowly incorporated self-examination into my way of thinking, without allowing it to grow into self-destruction. Until about September of last year, I accepted negative energy from others as “truth.” I even took pride in saying that I was my own worst critic. When identifying behavior, I dramatized my mistakes, and then added them all up just to assign myself a certain value. And it really dragged me down. It is difficult on hard days, but now, I try to take responsibility for the choices I’ve made, while also reminding myself that I’m doing the work, I’m not finished, and growth requires discipline. The balance between self-condemnation and self-respect, while still in progress, has reworked my entire emotional compass.
5. I now think in longer timelines. To be fair to myself, several circumstantial-type things loomed over my head until about 6 months ago, and it has helped that I’ve been able to make plans without certain logistics remaining in limbo. Most of it was money-related, and not only did I fight the good fight, but I won. Those logistics aside, I used to live my life on the edge of my own seat, anticipating the next fight, holding my breath for the next emergency. I made decisions reactively and emotionally in hopes of resolving pain quickly. These days I try to think about things from a different perspective – longevity. It’s been a nice change of pace – from once living in survival mode to making my own 10 year plan.

I still struggle. My instincts used to rule my life, and now, I process things much more slowly. But in doing so, I’ve created a mindset that will actually take me places. And it’s been a refreshing thing to track.