Raspberry Iced M

I need someone – anyone – to volunteer to delete my browser history in the event of my untimely death. If someone reviewed my Google searches right now, he/she would think that I’m either (1) writing a strange novel; or (2) not allowed unsupervised access to the internet.

Either way, these are some things I Googled this week so that you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

1. Do penguins have knees? Answer – yes. Apparently penguins have knees. They’re just hidden inside their bodies, which really feels like cheating to be honest. That means every penguin I’ve ever seen waddling around has a whole pair of knees, and not bending their legs when walking is just…choosing chaos.
2. How much sleep does the average adult need? Answer – 7 to 9 hours. Fascinating, since my brain all-too-often wakes me up at 3 a.m. to replay conversations from 2007. So…I’m not really sure how this is supposed to work.
3. Why does my brain remember embarrassing things from 15 years ago? Answer – Because your memory prioritizes emotionally intense moments. Oh. So the time I walked into a [very clean] glass door will live with me forever. Excellent.
4. Can you actually “overthink” something? Answer – yes. And that just seems unfair because overthinking is also the only hobby I’ve truly mastered.
5. How many decisions does the average person make per day? Answer – about 35,000. Ironic, since I am not emotionally capable of deciding what to have for dinner, like, ever.
6. Do dogs understand apologies? Answer – they don’t understand the words, but they respond to tone and body language. So when I apologize to my sweet Ozzy after accidentally stepping on his paw and promise him a better life moving forward, he’s mostly just hearing the word “treat.”
7. What illness contains symptoms of headache in each temple, loss of appetite, mild stomach cramping, and a runny nose? Answer – you’re dying. Seek medical attention immediately.
8. Is it normal to talk to yourself? Answer – yes. Apparently it helps with problem-solving and focus. And that’s good news, because I’ve been conducting full staff meetings for years.
9. Why does time go by faster as we age? Answer – because familiar routines make time feel compressed. So in order to slow time down, I have to do new things? Ick. My preferred activity is sitting in my house. So this presents somewhat of a problem.
10. Is it normal to Google random questions all the time? Answer – yes. Curiosity and random questioning are normal cognitive behavior, which is a relief, because at this point, Google and I are basically co-workers.

If nothing else, the internet has taught me something really important: Humans are deeply curious creatures. And sometimes that curiosity leads to groundbreaking discoveries. Other times I just need to know at 4:30 a.m. if penguins have knees. I’m grateful that Google is available to answer all of my questions, even if the answer is, “Yes. And maybe you should get some sleep.”