Raspberry Iced M

One of the main things I’ve learned about my brain is that it has absolutely no concept of proportion. Real problems? We’ll get to those eventually. But random, mildly uncomfortable situations? Those are apparently five-alarm emergencies that require immediate mental attention. In all specificity…

1. That text message I sent to a friend three hours ago. The perfectly normal message, “Let’s do lunch before you start your new job!” I’ve read it like 17 times and now it looks suspicious. Was that too assuming? Was the punctuation too aggressive? Should I have used an emoji? At this point, I’ve created an entire psychological profile of the other person’s response time.
2. The possibility that I offended someone in 2012. My brain loves to occasionally dig up a memory from years ago like it’s presenting evidence in a jury trial. Like, “Remember your meal before freshman year prom, when you only ordered a baked potato because you were too embarrassed to eat in front of your then boyfriend?” Yes, Brain. Thanks for that information at 11:47 p.m. on a week night. Super helpful.
3. The tone someone used when they said “okay.” In my mind, there are 14 different versions of that word, and my brain thinks she can decode them all. And my fellow overthinkers can vouch. “Okay” is not the same as “Ok” or “ok” or “kk” or “k.”
4. My bullet journal theme for April. Like I don’t have work to do or laundry to fold, my brain goes, “Hey, Meg, April is 2 weeks away, and you haven’t even thought about your bullet journal.” And it’s not just the passing thought that eats up my day. It’s the pressure.
5. To that end, the one thing on my to-do list I haven’t done yet. I could complete 9 tasks (and I have). But that 10th? The one I haven’t finished? That’s the one my brain will obsess over like the rest of the world is waiting on it. Today it’s doing my nails, like somehow a Victoria’s Secret model will bust through my front door, look directly at my hands, and think, “Oh that just won’t do.” And all of that while I’m sitting here in yoga pants and a two-sizes-too-large-tshirt.
6. My life trajectory. And it’s never at a convenient time. It’s always, like, 2 a.m., and I’m fluffing my bedroom pillows, when my brain decides it’s time to conduct a full existential review. Are we doing enough with our life? Are we where we should be? Do we need a completely new career path? And none of these questions can be answered at 2 a.m. But that doesn’t stop the metaphorical screwdriver from prodding.
7. That awkward social interaction from earlier. Two weeks ago, during our small group at church, I thought it would be an amazing idea to divulge some fun facts about serial killers, specifically asking no-so-rhetorically, “I wonder what seasoning Jeffrey Dahmer used…” Lasted about 7 seconds, and I even got some laughs. Nobody in my small group has thought about it since, but I’ve thought about it every day for two weeks straight, like a slow motion replay of someone tripping down porch steps.
8. Whether or not I’m “self-improving” enough. My brain regularly panics and tells me that I should be reading more books, exercising more, journaling more, and thereby growing into a better version of myself every 15 minutes from now until I die. It’s admirable, but also, can I just sit numbly on the couch while Big Bang plays in the background for an hour?
9. The time I waved back at someone I thought was waving at me, but it turned out she was waving at the person in the check out line behind me. My soul dies a little more every time I think about it. And now I don’t wave at anyone. Like…nope. Not getting me this time.
10. Whether or not I’m overthinking too much. Ironically, one of the biggest emergencies created by my brain, every day, is the possibility that I might be overthinking. When I then analyze extensively…thus proving the point.

It’s like my brain doesn’t think I have enough actual problems, so it tries to spot potential in every decision I make. The discipline it takes to redirect my cerebellum so that I don’t have to open a full investigation…

I’m exhausted indefinitely.