Raspberry Iced M

If you asked me to describe myself, one of the words I’d probably use is “emotional.”

Not emotional in an explosive way, but in a way that makes me sensitive. Sensitive to change. To tone. To “vibes.” Passionate might also be a good way to describe it.

But as the Lord has been doing work in me, I’m realizing now that a lot of the things about which I can become emotional aren’t thoughtful. They’re just immediate.

If something happened, I’d feel it intensely. And I’d respond just as quickly. It felt natural in the moment, but it didn’t always lead me to somewhere safe, or to a mental space by which I could rest.

So learning to become less reactive hasn’t really been about simultaneously become “less emotional.” I may have to learn to live with deep feelings, and that’s okay. But it’s really been more about creating space between feeling and doing.

Prayer really works. I’d encourage you to try it if you aren’t praying regularly.

Outside of that, I’ve implemented some practical steps that have helped me take a breath between the feeling and the action.

1. I delay my response. I don’t respond immediately to texts, calls, emails, or comments. I read/listen, and then I pause. This has prevented so many arguments.
2. I name what I’m actually feeling. While in my “pause,” I evaluate my feelings. Am I upset? Embarrassed? Do I feel rejected? Slighted? Offended? Getting specific has helped me understand the feeling itself instead of allowing said feeling to control me.
3. I identify the trigger. My reactions don’t come out of nowhere. They’re usually tied to something deeper. So I started noticing patterns. And that awareness has helped me catch my reactions earlier.
4. I do not trust the impulse. Impulsive decisions – the ones I make – are usually the worst of all available possibilities. The urge I have to defend, explain, correct, or withdraw is worth naming, but not necessarily worth acting on. I do not have to obey my emotions, and I know I’m a little late to that Learning Party, but hey, better late than never.
5. I give myself an “out.” If someone is pestering me for a response, I literally will say, “Let me think about that,” or, “I’ll get back to you,” or, “I need a minute.” If my feelings aren’t on my watch, they sure as heck aren’t on anyone else’s. Creating space is not avoidance. It’s wisdom.
6. I lower the volume of the moment. When something feels intense, my brain interprets the situation as emergent. But feelings lie. The question, “Will this matter in a week?” helps me bring the emotional intensity down a notch or two.
7. I have become comfortable with discomfort. A lot of my reactivity has come from wanting immediate relief, either by wanting to end the tension or fix the feeling (or sometimes even to prove a point). But discomfort is just part of life, and learning to be uncomfortable without acting on it is a skill. And it really has changed everything for me.
8. I’m patient with myself. I still don’t do all of this perfectly. So when I have weak moments – ones where I pop off without thinking, I reflect afterwards. And then I apologize and reconcile my head feelings with my heart feelings – usually on paper – so that I can track my progress as these situations come up.

I thought for a long time that becoming less reactive was impossible for me, because I was just incapable of “feeling less.” But as I’m growing, I’m learning that it’s more about not letting those feelings control me. And over the last 8 months or so, that space between feeling and action has become something pretty powerful – it’s become choice.