Raspberry Iced M

The social construct of “matching their energy” is played out.

I used to do it, too. If someone was distant, I’d pull back. If someone was short with me, I’d return that tone. If someone showed up halfway, I’d adjust to meet him/her there.

But what feels like self-protection, balance, and “giving what I get” doesn’t create peace. It just multiplies the problem.

When you match energy, every interaction defaults to reactivity. Choice is taken out, and instead, you’re just responding based on what someone else does first. And before long, your behavior isn’t rooted in your values. It’s rooted in theirs.

People aren’t predictable. Their behavior changes based on moods, stress, personality, and circumstances. And if your responses are tied to all of that, your stability disappears. You become as stead – or as chaotic – as the people around you.

That’s not a place I want to live anymore.

So I’m not matching energy. I’m choosing mine. In scenarios like these, it’s the only thing I can control.

So I’m going to be calm even when someone else isn’t. I’m going to be respectful, even when it’s not returned. I’m going to be consistent, even when others fluctuate.

At some point, we have to stop making decisions based on what we think other people “deserve.”

No, we don’t have to accept poor treatment or stay in unhealthy situations. We don’t even really have to pretend that things aren’t bothersome, when in fact, they are.

But we can set boundaries, walk away, and create distance without become reactive in the process. And matching energy is reactive. Choosing your own energy is intentional. One is driven by the moment and the other is grounded in who we’re trying to be.

If I have learned anything from all of the inner work I’ve been doing, it’s that I cannot control other people. Peace doesn’t come from that place. It comes from controlling my response to other people’s behavior. And the more consistent I become when choosing how to show up, the less power others’ behavior has over me.

I decide who I am. And I show up that way regardless of what they do.

I find that emotional maturity lies in the space between “giving what I get” and “treating them how I want to be treated.”