Raspberry Iced M

I’m in a strange season right now. The kind where so many circumstances in my life feel…unsettled.

Nothing is falling apart.
Nothing is completely stable either.

Just…uncertain.

Things I can’t control.
Things I can’t predict.
Things for which I don’t have answers yet.

And if I am being honest, I don’t love the way that feels. I like clarity. I like knowing what’s coming. I like having a plan. I like knowing that things are handled. And uncertainty doesn’t offer any of that. It asks me to be patient. It asks for trust. For waiting. And none of those things come naturally to me.

But while everything around me feels a little unclear, something inside me is becoming more defined.

Not perfect.
Not finished.
But clearer.

I don’t have the same energy for pretending anymore.

Not with myself. Definitely not with other people. Honesty is quieter these days. Less dramatic. But more consistent.

Not even a year ago, uncertainty would’ve pulled me in a hundred different directions. Emotionally. Mentally. Even in my decisions.

Now I’m learning how to stay. To not react immediately. To not spiral as quickly. To not abandon myself in the middle of discomfort.

That lack of reaction is not natural. I have had to work at it. I have to be intentional and think about the kind of person I am working to be. Not necessarily in big moments, but in how I respond, what I say, and what I choose. What other people have probably already mastered at my age – in the way of those habits – I am still working on. And that’s okay. I’m doing it now. And that matters more than not doing it at all.

I am becoming someone I can sit with. And that might be the biggest shift, because there was a time when being alone with my thoughts was unbearable. Now, it’s not easy, but it’s manageable. I don’t try to escape it anymore.

I have tried so hard for so long to control everything around me. But I am learning that I cannot force outcomes. I can’t guarantee external stability. And I can’t predict what’s coming next.

I only have control over who I’m becoming in the middle of it. And maybe that’s the point. Maybe certainty isn’t the goal. Maybe…formation is. Maybe this space – where things feel unfinished and unclear on the outside – is where something more stable is being built internally.

I still don’t love this lack of certainty. I don’t think that’s something I can ever learn to love. But I see now that even when everything around me is unclear, I’m not. And the person I am becoming in this season – more honest, more steady, more grounded – feels like someone I can trust, even in the middle of uncertainty.