Raspberry Iced M

There is a kind of faith that feels strong when prayers are answered quickly.

Doors open.
Situations change.
Clarity comes.

It’s easy to recognize that God is good when we can see what He’s doing.

But there’s another kind of faith…the kind that is required when nothing changes.

I have prayed the same prayer for 8 months. Every day. I’ve meant it deeply. I’ve waited on its answer.

And it hasn’t come. And in fact, it does not appear that it’s going to be answered anytime soon (based on a conversation I had today).

There is no clear answer.
No visible, forward movement.
No relief.
Just misunderstandings, rejection, blame, labels, and silence.

And it doesn’t feel spiritual. It hurts. On my most peaceful days, it’s uncomfortable, and on more emotional days, I wonder if God hears me at all. I cry myself to sleep wondering how long this has to hurt. I over-analyze. I feel shame. I accept what others say about me as truth. And internalize others’ reactions.

Today is one of those days.

Things feel “in between.”
I don’t know what to do next, because it seems that being lonely, and keeping to myself still doesn’t solve the issue.
It seems like practicing integrity and doing the right thing still causes me trouble, because doing what is right costs people – who once counted on my dishonesty when it was convenient for them – certain allowances.
And today I am reminded that no matter how closed off I’ve become, and how out-of-the-way I’ve tried to be – there are still people who need for me to be the villain. The problem. The “me” that used to exist.

It feels like carrying something longer than I thought I’d have to.

And it has raised a lot of questions.

Is God listening?
Do I need to do something different?
What do I need to button up to ensure change?

This concept isn’t new.

Hannah prayed for a child for years. Abraham waited decades for a promise to be fulfilled. David was appointed king before he ever became one. Joseph sat in prison for 13 years.

And in the New Testament, Paul asked God three times to remove his struggle.

So what was God’s answer? “My grace is sufficient for you.”

Not a removal. Instead, a sustaining.

There is a part of me that believes that the answer I seek will not come, because what I am praying for is just relief of the consequences of my own actions.

But I know that’s just religion talking.

Because the Lord said He works all things out for good.

So I don’t think God is delaying out of indifference. I think He’s working on something deeper than the situation itself.

He’s working on me.

My impulse to equate feelings to truth.
My patience.
My trust.
My dependence on Him.

In a refining way.

And I continue to pray, every day, even still. The same prayer. I pray for change. I pray for grace. I pray for softened hearts. I pray that the Lord changes my heart.

And in my walk, I continue to do the next right thing. I read the Word every day. I attend classes, and therapy, and I’m part of a church, and all of those things have provided outlets and challenges and feedback. I’ve swallowed my pride. I’ve taken every high road. I’ve stopped defending myself. I’ve left people alone. I vent to no one except the Lord (and my therapist).

I recite that verse in Galations in my mind – “Who are you living for, other people…or me?” I let go of every bit of control.

…and still no answer…

…not even a clue that He has heard me…

If you’re in a similar situation, I offer a little advice below. And listen – I know how hard it is to take advice when you’re drowning in unanswered prayers. So take it all for what it is worth.

1. Keep showing up. It is hard. I know. When it feels repetitive. When you don’t “feel” anything. But consistency matters more than emotion.
2. Pray honestly. My prayers aren’t polished anymore. They’re not perfect. They’re real. He knows I’m hurting. He knows I’m angry. He knows I’m impatient and that I’m tired of waiting for the needle to move. And He can handle all of it.
3. Focus on what you can control. And to be fair, it’s not much. Today, I controlled a response. I read a message from someone, and it ripped my heart out. I answered this person’s message against my own impulses. I ate it. I took a high road – one another version of me would’ve never taken. No defenses. No blame. No gloves. I just took it. Because even if the situation never changes, it has changed me.
4. Don’t rush to create your own solution. Sometimes the hardest part of waiting is not forcing the outcome. Not stepping in to “fix” what feels delayed – but instead – trusting that premature solutions often come with their own consequences.
5. Identify what is changing. Even when a situation stays the same, something else shifts. I see how much I’ve grown in 8 months. And it’s not growth that proves anything to anybody. It’s a different kind of progress. Deeper. Heavier. More permanent. My faith is no longer fleeting. It is a fixture. I am more patient, more aware, and so much stronger.

I am learning that God’s silence is not absence. Sometimes it is space.

Space where I’m still being formed.
Still being steadied.
Still being shaped into someone who can carry what I’m asking for.

Divine delay is not always denial. And it doesn’t mean God isn’t listening. It doesn’t even mean your prayer didn’t matter.

Sometimes the story just isn’t finished yet.

And trusting the Lord in that space – when nothing changes, when no answers come, when I don’t like it – that might be one of the deepest forms of faith I’ve got.