Raspberry Iced M

The Good. The Bad. The Raspy.

  • Uncertain Raspberry

    I’m in a strange season right now. The kind where so many circumstances in my life feel…unsettled.

    Nothing is falling apart.
    Nothing is completely stable either.

    Just…uncertain.

    Things I can’t control.
    Things I can’t predict.
    Things for which I don’t have answers yet.

    And if I am being honest, I don’t love the way that feels. I like clarity. I like knowing what’s coming. I like having a plan. I like knowing that things are handled. And uncertainty doesn’t offer any of that. It asks me to be patient. It asks for trust. For waiting. And none of those things come naturally to me.

    But while everything around me feels a little unclear, something inside me is becoming more defined.

    Not perfect.
    Not finished.
    But clearer.

    I don’t have the same energy for pretending anymore.

    Not with myself. Definitely not with other people. Honesty is quieter these days. Less dramatic. But more consistent.

    Not even a year ago, uncertainty would’ve pulled me in a hundred different directions. Emotionally. Mentally. Even in my decisions.

    Now I’m learning how to stay. To not react immediately. To not spiral as quickly. To not abandon myself in the middle of discomfort.

    That lack of reaction is not natural. I have had to work at it. I have to be intentional and think about the kind of person I am working to be. Not necessarily in big moments, but in how I respond, what I say, and what I choose. What other people have probably already mastered at my age – in the way of those habits – I am still working on. And that’s okay. I’m doing it now. And that matters more than not doing it at all.

    I am becoming someone I can sit with. And that might be the biggest shift, because there was a time when being alone with my thoughts was unbearable. Now, it’s not easy, but it’s manageable. I don’t try to escape it anymore.

    I have tried so hard for so long to control everything around me. But I am learning that I cannot force outcomes. I can’t guarantee external stability. And I can’t predict what’s coming next.

    I only have control over who I’m becoming in the middle of it. And maybe that’s the point. Maybe certainty isn’t the goal. Maybe…formation is. Maybe this space – where things feel unfinished and unclear on the outside – is where something more stable is being built internally.

    I still don’t love this lack of certainty. I don’t think that’s something I can ever learn to love. But I see now that even when everything around me is unclear, I’m not. And the person I am becoming in this season – more honest, more steady, more grounded – feels like someone I can trust, even in the middle of uncertainty.

  • Unchosen Raspberry

    My whole life, I’ve worked to be “chosen.”

    Chosen by friends.
    Chosen by men.
    Chosen by family.
    Chosen by anyone who could potentially look at me and decide I was work keeping.

    I didn’t always know what I was doing. I thought that the way we show appreciation for relationships was through effort.

    So it didn’t feel like chasing. It felt like trying.

    Trying to be good.
    Trying to be easy to love.
    Trying to be whatever version of myself would make someone pause long enough to think, “her.”

    If I was kinder, maybe I’d be chosen.
    If I was quieter, maybe they’d stay.
    If I forgave faster, gave more, needed less – maybe then.

    And when I was chosen, even briefly, it felt like oxygen.

    Proof.

    Validation that I’d finally gotten something right. Evidence that hard work really does pay off. Trackable confirmation that I was respected, appreciated, valued, and loved.

    But the problem with building your identity around being “chosen” is that it hands your worth to other people. And all of the sudden, their attention feels like stability. And their absence feels like collapse.

    I didn’t notice how much of myself I was editing – or changing – until I started to feel…empty.

    Not necessarily broken (although I am that, too). Just…undefined. Like I had spent so much time becoming what other people needed that I had no idea who I was, or what I needed. Or worse – I knew, but I didn’t think it mattered. Because being chosen mattered more.

    There is an overwhelming grief associated with how much I have tolerated just to “keep.”

    How many red flags I explained away.
    How many boundaries I softened – or erased completely.
    How many lunches I bought just to be invited out.
    How many times I told myself, “This is enough,” when it wasn’t.

    Change my hair. Wear the dress. Overspend. Laugh at the joke. Smile no matter the feeling.

    Not because I didn’t see clearly. But because being chosen felt safer than being alone. I love people without hesitation. Without reservations. And without transaction. Yet – somehow – it has always seemed like I am not enough unless those I love benefit – in some way – by my existence.

    But lately, something has been shifting inside my soul. Not dramatically or even all at once. But I’ve examined myself carefully enough over the last several months to ponder, “What if I stopped trying to be chosen?”

    And I’m terrified. Because I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to “let” people leave. I don’t know how to stop fighting for or clinging to relationships.

    If I’m not performing for approval, then what am I doing? If I’m not adjusting to be kept, then what happens when people leave?

    Loneliness is an anxiety that looms over my head. As kids have grown, as family have created distance, as my spouse unfairly inherited a metaphorical clock on his life, I wonder how long I have left with anybody…as if every connection is just a ticking time bomb. I anticipate – in my mind – a future in isolation. And out of reflex, I find myself already withdrawing…because committing to people who will eventually leave seems like a waste of money, time, and energy.

    And then I wonder if I’m introverted by choice, or if the choices I have made indirect to my personality have somehow forced me into seclusion.

    Nevertheless, I have tried to commit to a different approach.

    I choose to tell the truth, even if it costs me comfort.
    I choose to notice how I feel, not just how I’m perceived.
    I choose to stay with myself, even when it would be easier to abandon my own needs to keep someone else close.

    And this isn’t the pretty part. I still feel the pull to be picked. Every day, I catch myself over-giving, over-extending, overworking, and wondering, “Am I enough for them?”

    At my age, old habits – like constantly questioning myself – die hard.

    But there are times now when another voice – like background noise – whispers to me.

    “Am I enough for myself?”

    And for the first time in my almost 39 years, I wonder if being chosen is the highest form of love.

    Perhaps being known is higher. Perhaps it means more to be respected. Or maybe the safety that comes with being fully myself – without overage, without editing, without shrinking, without performing – should matter more.

    The affliction of not being chosen is palpable in my spirit.
    Embarrassingly so…

    …and I wonder how much more work it would take to shift my focus – from being chosen by others – to choosing myself.

    That seems selfish. And I’m not a selfish person.

    But what if I didn’t trade peace for proximity?
    What if I stopped ignoring my needs to earn someone’s attention or affection?
    What if I do not call something “love” if I have to disappear to hold onto it?

    My whole life, I’ve worked to be “chosen.”

    But maybe the life I actually want can’t be built on someone else picking me or holding me or prioritizing me or even halfway reciprocating my effort.

    Maybe – instead – it’ll be built on my standing still long enough to recognize that I was never unchosen to begin with.

    I just never learned how to stand on my own side.

    And I don’t know how to do it…yet. But maybe that’s worth my energy.

  • Raspberry Prayers

    I once heard someone say that the devil can hear the words we say out loud, and in fact, those words are sometimes what he uses as an opening to create chaos in our lives.

    I started a prayer journal in September, and while I wonder if the devil can read the words, I still write my nightly prayer in the journal. I think it started out as something obligatory – I wanted to pray every day – and I wanted to be able to track it.

    Now, I find myself utilizing that journal for continuity, and because it is a habit. But I talk to Jesus all day…

    …because I learned that praying isn’t just a task to complete every day. It’s not a habit to track. For me, now, it’s a way of life. I know what happens when I don’t pray. And I don’t want any part of that life anymore.

    I pray while I’m getting ready for the day. I pray in the car while running errands. I pray when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m overwhelmed. I pray when my feelings are hurt. I pray when I’m lonely. I pray when I mess up. And I pray when faced with any decision, no matter how insignificant it seems at the time.

    I talk him Jesus like I would talk to a human being standing in front of me. Sometimes it’s emotional. Other times He’s just helping me pick out a cantaloupe.

    But not all of my prayers out spoken…out loud.

    Some of them don’t make it past my thoughts.
    Some of them don’t feel polished enough to say.
    Some of them feel too honest. Too raw. Too unfinished.

    There are prayers I don’t say out loud because they don’t sound the way I used to think prayers are “supposed” to sound. They’re not structured. They trail off when my ADD kicks in. They aren’t confident or full of faith.

    This morning, I thought, “Lord, I have no idea what you’re doing. And I don’t like not knowing. I don’t know if I can do this.”

    And then I got out of my car and paid the groomer.

    Likewise, there are some prayers I hesitate to verbalize because they reveal things I am still working through. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. Anger. Frustration. Guilt/Shame. Not because I think the Lord doesn’t already know, but because saying them out loud makes them real in a way that feels too vulnerable. I don’t want to open any doors for the devil that I haven’t already opened.

    Those prayers, in my head, sound like, “Lord, please lift the anger I have toward [insert person here],” or, “God, I can’t do everything for everybody and I’m becoming resentful,” or even, “Please help me learn how to set boundaries that are Godly and healthy.”

    And some of my prayers don’t come with resolution. The prayers I repeat…they just sit there. Unanswered. Unfinished. “Is this ever going to get better?” or “Am I doing the right thing?” or “Will this situation ever change?” I don’t always say those prayers out loud because I don’t know what to do with the silence that might follow.

    There are also some prayers I don’t say because I carry them quietly. In the middle of the day. While I’m working or folding laundry. While I’m ruminating. While I’m trying to hold everything together. These types of prayers aren’t traditional. I just simply ask the Lord to help me stay steady, help me not react, and to help me do the right thing is “x” situation. Short. Simple. But constant.

    I’m starting to realize that God doesn’t require perfect words. He doesn’t need polished sentences or King James Version language. He doesn’t even require carefully structured thoughts. He already sees what I hesitate to say and He understands my thoughts that seem unfinished…the ones that don’t sound strong. The ones that don’t feel faithful enough.

    Those prayers still count. He still hears them.

    Not every prayer needs to be spoken to be real, and the truth is that He appreciates genuineness and sincerity more than a buttoned down version of me that I can’t walk in all of the time.

    Some of my prayers live in quiet places in my heart and in the spaces between thoughts. In moments where all I can do is sit with what I’m feeling and hope Jesus understands what I can’t quite enunciate.

    I hope He does. Maybe He always has.

  • Raspberry’s Mama

    In keeping with yesterday’s theme, below is a short list of ways that I realize how awesome my mom is.

    1. She understood the value of education. I moved in with her the day after I graduated from high school, I moved in with her, which was kind of a spontaneous thing. And six weeks later, I was fully enrolled in college. Mama spent a long time filling out FAFSA forms and making sure my first semester was set up. All I had to do was pick my classes.
    2. She has not judged my worst mistakes. Mama has seen me deal with some really terrible situations because of my own awful choices. Not once has she judged me or put me off. She meets me where I am when my life is falling apart, and she provides clarity when I need it the most.
    3. She supported me fully after I gave birth for the first time. I remember being 19 and post partum. I called her crying because I had no idea what I was doing. Without hesitation, she got in her car and drove to my house, and let me take a shower while she put the baby to sleep. I remember feeling incompetent at the time – because she was able to handle it with such ease – but I was also very grateful for that support. I still am.
    4. She forgives without reservation. I held a grudge against my mom for a long time. I didn’t understand some of her decisions when I was young. I had a lot of things to say about what it meant to be an adult – to be a mom – having lived through none of it. Now that I’m older, with kids of my own, I see how hard it is. And I have had to apologize to her for being so judgmental…for being so bitter and ignorant. And without pause, she greeted me with hugs and acceptance.
    5. She (and my stepdad) bought my first “me” car. I drove Daddy’s van in high school – back and forth to work and to afterschool stuff (like band). Before I started college, as a high school graduation present, Mama and my stepdad bought me a car – a 1997 Honda Civic. Tiny little zippy thing. White. Manual shift. I drove the wheels off of that thing.
    6. She is the most fun person to watch basketball with. We are both University of Kentucky fans, and as such, we have bonded over basketball. I don’t do it as much as I should anymore, but I used to go to her house weekly to watch the game and eat junk food.
    7. She taught me how to do my nails on the cheap. I know that might seem silly, but now that girlies can’t walk out of a nail salon for less than about $75.00, I genuinely appreciate Mama for showing me how to make a Dollar Store set look like the real thing.
    8. She gave me a place to stay when I wasn’t doing well. At one point in my life, my decisions had put me in a terrible place. I was homeless, jobless, and “schmuicidal.” She had little girls at the time, too, but she still took me in and helped me get back on my feet. I don’t know that I’d be where I am today if she hadn’t made that sacrifice.
    9. She has walked with me while navigating my husband’s illness. She’s been to MRIs, biopsies, and doctor’s appointments so that I could work. She’s researched and educated herself so that she stays informed about his illness, his treatment plan, and his prognoses. Cancer – dealing with it – can be very isolating, and I’m so blessed to have her with me while we try to navigate things we do not know.
    10. She compliments my food. I’m not much of a cook, but when I do cook for her – even if it’s just, like, a dip – she always makes a point to tell me how yummy it is. As there are so many amazing cooks in my family, I am definitely insecure about my limitations in this regard, so it is nice of her to take the time to express appreciation for what little I can do.

    I reserve the right to edit/add on to this list as needed.

  • Raspberry’s Daddy

    It is only after my children grew up that I recognized how little I appreciated my own parents. I know I wasn’t easy to raise. And I see that now – in a way I probably couldn’t have seen before.

    I still call my father “Daddy.” He’ll be 61 this year, and after a stroke, an ankle surgery, and an upcoming knee replacement, I’m learning that parents are not invincible.

    Upon reflection of my childhood, I made mental lists of some of the great things about each of my parents. And I’ll start with Daddy.

    1. He raised me in church. My faith has evolved in 38 years, but who knows where I would be if not for the foundation Daddy set? Daddy taught me that there is power in prayer, power in worship, power in praise, and power in giving all control to the only One capable of taking care of my needs. I watched Daddy struggle. I saw him cry. I saw him lean on Jesus when things were out of his control. And now, I do something similar…with a lot less tact, I’m sure.
    2. I inherited his love of music. My daddy has a beautiful voice. I’d post a video if I wasn’t worried about privacy. He led praise and worship, sang in the choir, sang specials, and he even still travels with a quartet. I can’t sing like him, but I enjoy listening. He also encouraged me to join band, and he attended most of my concerts and even some of my football games.
    3. He surprised me with *NSYNC concert tickets. Twice. I know gifts are superfluous, but I am still an *NSYNC girlie. He got us tickets to the tour after the release of their first album the year I turned 13, and again the next year, when “No Strings Attached” came out. I was so lucky.
    4. He taught me the value of hard work. Daddy was a truck driver for most of my childhood, and when I became a teenager, he started working at a flour mill that manufactured flour for pizza chains and other restaurants. He left for work before I left for school and got home just in time for dinner, covered in white dust. He never complained, but often made mention of how many flights of stairs he had to climb on any given workday. I believe I am a hard worker today because he taught me that nothing worth having is given freely.
    5. He was a good provider. He worked and my stepmom stayed home. We always had what we needed. Clothes, shoes, toothpaste. Having been in a position, many times, where I had to choose between buying a Happy Meal or paying the water bill, I can’t imagine it was easy to take care of three kids financially. And what I thought I was “owed” as a child? That has now become “what Daddy gave.” Because the truth is that we aren’t owed squat.
    6. He kept his expectations high. I won’t lie – Daddy was hard on me. If you talked to him today, he’d admit it. He had strict rules, some of which I didn’t understand as a teenager. I didn’t get to hang out with friends much. I couldn’t be around boys, really, outside of school. You wouldn’t catch me smoking in the shop behind the school or drinking on the weekends – because – well – I wasn’t there…because I wasn’t allowed. Now, I get it. Daddy knew the world was evil and cruel. And I think he wanted to keep me away from all of that for as long as possible. Maybe he knew that I was going to have an addictive personality. Or maybe he just wanted me to forego the struggles that he knew would come with adulthood. Either way, I look back with gratitude.
    7. He is the first person I call when I need advice. Even today. If I’m having a tough day…if the kids are whipping my tail…if I need to know which choice is the best choice…my instinct is to call Daddy. ‘Cause he’ll probably know.
    8. He taught me how to drive. Parallel parking. Three-point turns. Backing up. He might have told me once or twice that “I needed a dadgum bicycle,” but he taught me, none the less.
    9. He let me go to four proms. I dated a junior/senior when I was a freshman/sophomore. I wasn’t technically allowed to “car date” at that time – that started when I was 16. But he let me go. He even made sure my hair was done and my shoes were dyed to match the color of my dress. What dad does that?!?
    10. He forgave me when I spit on him. My hardheadedness didn’t start when I became an adult. It began much earlier. And I had a smart mouth and a lot of opinions to go with it. There were consequences for my bad behavior, yes, but Daddy also talked to me. He delivered many a lecture, just trying to explain things I couldn’t possibly understand at such a young age. He knew better – he knew more – and he gave me grace when I fell.

    These are only ten things off the top of my head. There are many more. Maybe I’ll come back and edit this post as my brain dumps more information. Either way, I’m grateful for a father, today, that I haven’t always shown grat

  • Ordinarily Raspberry

    I used to think I was going to change the world. With my efforts. With my love. With success. With wisdom.

    And at 38, I’ve come to realize that I’m just ordinary…

    …which used to offend me.

    “Ordinary.” Nothing happening. No major events. No stories worth telling.

    But ordinary days are where most of life actually happens.

    This morning looked like a lot of mornings do. Got the son to school. Shower. Coffee. I threw on my 17th pair of leggings and the sweatshirt that required the least amount of digging through my drawers. I dropped my husband off at the doctor. Picked up Oz Monster from daycare. Ordered groceries online.

    And while doing all of that, I thought about the day ahead – what work would look like. Lunch. What chores I’d try to complete during breaktimes. I prayed. I anticipated an uneventful day. Nothing dramatic. Just life, continuing.

    There is a quiet weight that exists in days like this. Not overwhelming. Not crushing. But present. It’s the awareness of everything going on beneath the surface.

    The things I’m working through. The people I care about. The responsibilities I carry.

    And none of it is loud. But it’s there.

    My life right now isn’t chaotic. It’s not filled with constant highs and lows. It’s steady. Predictable. It’s familiar, which used to make me antsy. But now I see it differently.

    This is what stability feels like.

    Most of what I’m doing these days wouldn’t stand out to anyone watching. Going to work, handling responsibilities. Making thoughtful decisions.

    The miracle lies in the small, unnoticed choices. Choices that don’t meet the criteria for congratulations. Choosing not to react. Choosing honesty. Choosing to stay grounded when my emotions try to pull me somewhere else. I don’t talk about it. But that work is constant.

    There are small moments throughout the day that probably wouldn’t mean much to anyone else.

    A conversation.
    A thought I choose to sit in for a brief moment, but do not follow.
    A decision I make differently than I would’ve this time last year.

    They don’t look like milestones. But they are.

    An ordinary Monday used to feel like something I had to survive. Now it feels like something to build on.

    Because ordinary days like these are where change actually happens.

    Not in big moments. Just in ordinary days like this. Days where I show up, stay steady, do the next right thing. Days when I want to fall apart but don’t. Days when I mundanely cross to-dos off of my checklist while noticing that the congratulations I so desperately sought from other people can be given to myself, by myself.

    There’s nothing flashy about an ordinary Monday. But something in it matters.

    Consistency. Stability. Forward movement.

    And for me…right now…that’s more than enough.

  • Raspberry Energy

    The social construct of “matching their energy” is played out.

    I used to do it, too. If someone was distant, I’d pull back. If someone was short with me, I’d return that tone. If someone showed up halfway, I’d adjust to meet him/her there.

    But what feels like self-protection, balance, and “giving what I get” doesn’t create peace. It just multiplies the problem.

    When you match energy, every interaction defaults to reactivity. Choice is taken out, and instead, you’re just responding based on what someone else does first. And before long, your behavior isn’t rooted in your values. It’s rooted in theirs.

    People aren’t predictable. Their behavior changes based on moods, stress, personality, and circumstances. And if your responses are tied to all of that, your stability disappears. You become as stead – or as chaotic – as the people around you.

    That’s not a place I want to live anymore.

    So I’m not matching energy. I’m choosing mine. In scenarios like these, it’s the only thing I can control.

    So I’m going to be calm even when someone else isn’t. I’m going to be respectful, even when it’s not returned. I’m going to be consistent, even when others fluctuate.

    At some point, we have to stop making decisions based on what we think other people “deserve.”

    No, we don’t have to accept poor treatment or stay in unhealthy situations. We don’t even really have to pretend that things aren’t bothersome, when in fact, they are.

    But we can set boundaries, walk away, and create distance without become reactive in the process. And matching energy is reactive. Choosing your own energy is intentional. One is driven by the moment and the other is grounded in who we’re trying to be.

    If I have learned anything from all of the inner work I’ve been doing, it’s that I cannot control other people. Peace doesn’t come from that place. It comes from controlling my response to other people’s behavior. And the more consistent I become when choosing how to show up, the less power others’ behavior has over me.

    I decide who I am. And I show up that way regardless of what they do.

    I find that emotional maturity lies in the space between “giving what I get” and “treating them how I want to be treated.”

  • Regulated Raspberry

    In connection with a previous post about being too emotional, please allow this post to serve as clarity.

    Being “emotionally healthy” does not mean “feeling less.”

    I’m not someone who can detach, or calm down, or just “be” unbothered.

    I have to work alongside how I feel, and I teeter the line – all too often – between fighting harder and losing the fight completely.

    Being regulated does not mean that I hurt less.

    Jesus wasn’t numb on the cross. He was in pain – physical, emotional, spiritual. He was rejected, and still prayed, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing.” He didn’t deny the suffering. But He didn’t allow his pain to turn into retaliation.

    In Acts 16, Paul and Silas were beaten and thrown into prison. Not inconvenienced. Not misunderstood. Actually beaten. And by midnight, they’re singing. They shifted their focus from hurt to praise.

    Hannah was deeply wounded – bullied because she couldn’t conceive. But instead of suppressing the pain, or even fighting back, she brought her struggle somewhere safe. “In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly.” (1 Samuel 1:10)

    Stephen was stoned (Acts 7) and prayed for those who were hurting him while they were hurting him.

    Elijah was tired. “I’ve had enough, Lord…Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4) he prayed. Overwhelmed, fearful, and depleted, he finds sanctuary in the wilderness, where God meets him…and restores him.

    Emotional regulation is about redirecting your feelings, not letting your hurt turn into destruction. Being regulated, for me, doesn’t mean that the hurt doesn’t exist, or that I bury it. It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry. It doesn’t mean I pretend that I don’t struggle.

    It is not the absence of emotion. It’s the presence of restraint.

    So my goal now is not to feel less. It’s to respond better.
    To feel the hurt without letting it become harm.
    To acknowledge the emotion without letting it take control.

    You can be hurting and still be anchored.
    You can feel deeply and still choose wisely.

    And maybe that’s where real strength lies. It is not the absence of pain that makes us strong. It’s the ability to remain grounded in the middle of pain.

  • Raspberry Season

    I’ve been thinking a lot about Job today. It’s funny because people around me like to say things like, “I’m in my Job season.” You know – when Murphy’s law kicks in and everything bad that could happen does happen and you’re laying in your bed at night wondering “Why me?!?”

    I think what some people forget about the story of Job is that Job didn’t do anything wrong. It’s one thing to be tested when you’re an innocent bystander in the circumstances of your life. And all over the world, good people are being tested.

    I can’t say that for myself. I have made so many mistakes and I’ve done so many things wrong, and I can’t (and don’t) blame a single person except for myself for the aftermath, consequences, or dissolved relationships that have come as a result of those wrongs.

    So I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to say, “I’m in my Job season.” I know that right at this moment I feel incredibly blessed and I definitely don’t “deserve” it.

    But here’s the thing – none of us “deserve” it. We all *deserve* death. Forgiveness, grace, mercy – those are all things available for the taking – even though we don’t deserve them.

    I hope you’re not wallowing in regret or punishing yourself for your mistakes, because neither of those things will help you or anybody else. I hope you’re not doubting every decision you will ever make again just because you’ve made some bad ones, or impulsive ones, or selfish ones one second before right now. I hope that you don’t cling to your mistakes just because you spent a long time making them. And I hope you don’t allow someone else’s perception of you, or your mistakes, to shape your identity (this is something I really struggle with, and that is not my wish for anyone).

    If you really are “in your Job season,” or if you’re just reaping what you’ve sown, I hope you’re thinking a lot less about what you deserve, and a lot more about asking for your freebies.

  • Perceived Raspberry

    I’m one of those people who can’t just make a mistake once and learn from it. I like to make the same choice 4 or 5 times just to make sure it’s a mistake.

    And because of that, I’ve been defined by a pattern of those mistakes.

    It takes three murders to earn someone the title of “Serial Killer.”

    So by that standard, I’m a “Serial” lot of things.

    And one of the hardest parts of changing isn’t the work itself.

    It’s what comes after. It’s realizing that there are people who tally up my repeated mistakes and allow them to equal my character. And since I’ve failed at making changes many times before – because I put a band-aid on the core issues instead of actually digging deeper – there are people who still see me the same way they always have (and probably always will).

    The old labels. The old patterns. The old version of me.

    And that used to bother me a lot, because (1) it’s been hard to accept that those repeated mistakes are the cause of so many dissolved relationships; (2) I would instinctively compare my progress with those judgments, and it tore me up.

    But other people don’t experience my growth in real time. They experience the version of me that they once knew. The Raspberry they interacted with. The Raspberry that affected them. And that version is real. To them. So when someone sees me through that lens, they’re right.

    It’s just not current.

    There’s a part of me that wants to lash out. “But I’m not that person anymore.”

    But the most genuine growth doesn’t ask for an audience, and even when it gets one, not everyone is ready or willing to believe it.

    So I don’t argue anymore. I no longer try to convince people to update their perceptions of me. I don’t overexplain my past, hoping to change opinions.

    If someone needs to see change, they’ll see it through consistency – not through explanation.

    My focus has been on living differently. Quietly. Consistently. Without a need for immediate recognition.

    I tell the truth. I make better decisions. I stay where I used to run.

    Not because anyone else is watching me. But because I am.

    People are allowed to remember me however they experienced me. They’re allowed to hold onto the version of me that caused hurt. They’re allowed to be cautious, distant, or even closed off completely.

    I do have to accept/respect their experiences. But I don’t have to sit there just because they choose to. I don’t have to agree with their current views. And I don’t have to make decisions that coincide with what they think.

    Growth happens internally. Reputation happens externally. And those two things rarely move at the same speed. Sometimes your character has already changed, but reputation hasn’t caught up yet. And honestly, sometimes it never fully will.

    There’s a quiet strength that comes with realizing that I don’t need everyone to see me correctly in order to live correctly.

    It does hurt. Sure. I can see when someone still interacts with me based on whatever version of me they’ve conjured up in their minds – a version that no longer exists. I notice avoidance. I observe hypocrisy on a mass scale.

    But those moments pass. I’m no longer dependent on changes in the perceptions of others to determine my direction.

    I can’t control how I’m remembered. I can only control how I live today – and I have actively chosen honesty, responsibility, and self-awareness. I’m reinforcing something that matters more to me right now than any label – who I actually am.