Raspberry Iced M

I used to think that growth required additions.

More peace.
More discipline.
More blessings.
More clarity.
More friends.
More love.
More kindness.

And sometimes it does.

But lately, God has been undoing some things.

Undoing. Not punishment. Not abandonment. But subtraction. Slowly unraveling things in me that were never meant to stay.

1. The need to be chosen. We’ve talked about this one many times. I confused being selected with being valuable. But as I study His Word and as I pray and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit, the Lord is revealing to me that my worth is not assigned by human approval. In fact, He thought I was so worthy, and so special, and so valuable, that He paid for me with His Son’s life. And it’s as complicated, but uncomplicated, as that.
2. My dependence on chaos. Intensity used to make me feel alive. I confused drama with meaning, urgency with passion, and uncertainty with excitement. And peace was so unfamiliar. But God is teaching me that steadiness is a gift. And He has directed me to stop mistaking chaos for life.
3. The need to control everything. The human in me likes outcomes I can predict. Clarity. Plans. Order. But control is not achievable, and it becomes a false source of safety. I believe He is allowing this seasons, where I cannot control anything, to teach me how to trust Him.
4. Lies with which I once agreed. I believed some things, for so long, that they felt like truth. That I was only lovable if I performed. That I was only valuable if I was wanted. That my mistakes are my identity. But He’s been challenging those mindsets – ones where I replaced truth with accusation.
5. My habit of escape. I have always been a runner. More distractions. More noise. More people. Anything that numbed what I didn’t want to face. Now, though, God has invited me to stay, so that I heal instead of hide.
6. My pride. To be fair, I am not proud in a loud way. It’s subtle. It’s in the way I need to be right, in the way I need to be seen correctly, and in the need to defend myself constantly. I once couldn’t stomach the thought of someone questioning my motives or misunderstanding something I’d done. But in a way, taking that step back is a practice of humility.
7. My timeline. I wanted quick fixes, quick healing, quick answers, quick restoration. Even a couple of months ago, I gave God an ultimatum. Deliver me or take me from this world. But in my situation, because I have asked Him to change my heart, His hand in my life has moved more slowly. And more intentionally. He might know that He can’t band-aid my issues if my prayer is to be answered in full.

Undoing…subtraction…it doesn’t feel good. It feels like loss, more often than not. I’ve been confused and in a state of grief for almost a year. But maybe that means that something unhealthy is loosening its grip.

He’s not only building me – He’s freeing me. And sometimes before adding something new, He removes what would sabotage it. Sometimes before He heals outwardly, He dismantles interiorly.

It’s not always visible to others, but I feel it.

I feel it when I talk to Him about why I’m angry instead of blowing up at the person who made me angry.
I feel it when I am crying myself to sleep and there’s no one to listen except Him.
I feel it when I open my Bible every night and His words jump off of the page, as if they were meant for me…for my story.
I feel it when I ask Him to bless my enemies and those who hate my guts.
I feel it when I make a choice not to speak up for myself.

Old cravings are slowly but surely losing power. Old lies don’t scream anymore – they whisper. And old patterns aren’t instinctive anymore.

Undoing is messy. I am torn up on the inside.

But I see now that it is also mercy…

…because some of the things that are leaving me needed to go a long time ago.