I am going to be sharing something today that is exceptionally private.
To me.
And once you finish reading this, you’re going to think, “Seriously? THAT is private?“
The answer is a resounding “yes.”
I guess it wasn’t long after my daughter left home that I took a hard look at my life and realized that the way I was living it wasn’t working for me. I was losing people that were important to me. I wasn’t as engaged in any area of my life as I wanted to be. I felt like I existed – mostly out of spite – but I felt like I was just turning in anxious circles, jumping from one act of disappointment to another. I didn’t feel like a good wife. I didn’t feel like a good mom. I did all I could to escape my own mind, and that meant I couldn’t stay in one place – or commit to one thing – for too long.
The first four months – I would say from September to December – were spent trying to understand why my brain worked the way it did. I sat in shame. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I prayed terrible things, like, “Lord, please just take me.” I enrolled in therapy so that a professional could guide me as I tried to comprehend how I became the person that I was.
Around Christmas of last year, I realized that – while understanding is an important part of healing – it doesn’t amount to much if there is no action behind that understanding. In fact, understanding why I did some of the things I did – why I thought the things I thought – ended up just being something I could potentially use to excuse or justify my lack of healing.
And I didn’t want to make anymore excuses. I didn’t want to just “appear” changed, like many times before. I wanted to actually change.
In my opinion, that starts on the inside. So I made two different commitments to myself. One, that I would sit in my emotions and process them as they presented themselves. I wouldn’t run. Like a weird form of exposure therapy, I wanted the scary feelings and the negative thoughts to not be so scary anymore. And two, that I would devote my time to the cause. I would track my progress in a way that was meaningful, so that on bad days, I could look back and remind myself of how far I’ve come, what worked and what didn’t work. And with that promise came the logistical aspect of organizing my life. After running for so long, I needed to re-order my steps, implement a routine, and keep my lists in one spot so that I could return to them anytime I needed.
I’m a doodler. I love to color, draw (simple things – I am no artist), write, and plan.
So I started a bullet journal on January 1, 2026. I planned each page with intention, and six months in, I’m seeing some pretty interesting things.
So this post is…well…pictures of some of the pages of my journal. I have not shared this journal or its contents with anyone before – not even my husband.
So we’ll start at the very beginning of the book…
This is the very first page. It’s an overview of the entire year, complete with a key at the bottom. I wanted a place to go to be able to look at all 12 months at one time, for the purpose of planning things in advance.This is the second page. The theme word for 2026, I decided, was “integrity.” Having lived my life for so long from a place of reaction/emotion, even if that meant that I had to abandon a core value to obtain emotional relief, I wanted to create a page dedicated to my “why” for 2026. This is that page.This page is reinforcement for me. I have, in the past, tried to control things that were never mine to control – even if it meant I had to be manipulative or dishonest. So I created this chart, and I refer to it anytime a decision needs to be made, or anytime I start to embrace the accusations/assumptions of other people.These are my goals for the year, as well as my bucket list and wish list for 2026. Some of these items have changed (for example – I decided against hair extensions and am trying to grow my real hair out instead), but there are open blocks where I can add goals/wishes as I decide them. In fact, my husband and I are going to Atlanta this next weekend, so I’ll be crossing that one off very soon.I pledged to read the entire Bible this year, so when I finish a book, I color it in.I wanted to watch one new movie a week, and as you can see, I have already exceeded that goal.I set out to read one new book a month, and I am halfway there – so I’m on track to meet that goal.
The below photos show my “trackers.” Every day, I use the corresponding key to track my mood and habits. The year is halfway completed. It’s sort of neat to look back and see all the color variations, and these trackers are what keep me motivated to touch my journal every day.
Now for the months…
Each month, I chose (and will continue to choose) a different theme. Something in line with my goal for that particular month. I also made more detailed notes for appointments, and on the right side of each monthly page, I created a place to list our monthly bills so that I never lost track of what needed to be paid and when.
The cover page for January. I opted for light bulbs, as the focus was “inspiration.” It was the beginning of the implementation of new habits that I hope to carry with me as I continue to grow.February’s theme was lavender. Lavender symbolizes serenity and devotion. I practiced a spending freeze in February, as a way to show my devotion of this journey, and not a commitment to “stuff.”I doodled strawberries the entire month of March. Strawberries represent love. I realized at the beginning of the year that I didn’t love myself very much, and I used March to track daily acts of kindness I showed to myself. Something as simple as going to bed early or getting a hair cut.April was used to track the “release” of certain things that clouded my identity. Every day, I wrote down something I could stop holding. Someone’s opinion. Things that were not my responsibility. One thing. Every day in April.In May, I returned to the “Son.” I committed to reading Scripture and allowing the Lord to tell me who I was instead of other people. For those 31 days, I chose one Bible verse, each day, and wrote it down, as a way to challenge thoughts of fear and/or shame.June was set aside for spice. Having more energy. Being more productive. I chose 30 places in my home that needed to be decluttered.
Each of the above pictures are just the cover pages for their respective months. I also created a daily page. One page, per day, with time blocks, so that I could make lists of what needed to be done on a daily basis. This journal isn’t just a suggestion – I have used it every day – for something.
So I’ll spare you the volume of photos of my “daily” pages, but I will show you what July looks like so far, since the month just started.
July’s theme is “chill out.” As I have continued with therapy, I am becoming more aware of the thoughts that tend to overtake my headspace, especially when I am stressed or upset. July is about chilling out – or pausing – when I notice a negative thought – and then choosing not to react just so the thought disappears.These pages were drafted/doodled following July’s cover page for the month. I wrote out a “pep” talk for myself, as a reminder of my “why.” I also created a trackable table so that I could write down what thought I “iced” that particular day. Yesterday, for example, I slept for most of the day. I had no energy, no drive, and I was pretty depressed. To combat that, and even though I didn’t really feel like doing anything except lay around, I took a bath anyway. I know that taking a bath shouldn’t be that big a deal or require that much intention, but some days…unfortunately…it does.Following those two pages are “gratitude” and “highlight of the day” pages. These pages exist in my journal every month. I list one blessing per day on the gratitude page, and on the highlight page, I essentially summarize my day.This is what my daily pages look like. They are all laid out the same, although they are colored and doodled to match the theme I picked for the month. On the left are my time blocks. I don’t possess enough discipline to write my day out by the hour, but I can usually follow my list if I give myself a few hours at a time to complete tasks. Tonight is the night I have to fold and put away a LOT of laundry that I have washed, so I have that written down to complete before I go to bed. On the right side, I write down three truths and make a list of my top three priorities for the day. In the “brain dump” block, I usually write down the Bible verse that is in my Bible app that day. The brain dump block is also there for listing things I want to research or random things I need to remember, like passwords or appointments I need to make.
So…there you have it. This journal is something I actually enjoy doing, and I haven’t missed a day yet. I even took it on vacation back in March because it has become such a big part of my routine that I become anxious if I’m not working on it by about 8 p.m.
I hope you guys don’t think this was stupid. I’ll be back tomorrow with my usual content.
Raspberry Iced M 
Leave a comment