Raspberry Iced M

I will admit that the concept of forgiveness – especially in today’s world – where everyone is “woke” – really confuses me.

When it comes to other people, I forgive very easily. No matter the offense.

Exclude me on purpose? Forgiven.
Say something cruel? Forgiven.
Gossip behind my back? Forgiven.
Use me or manipulate me? Forgiven.

There are a few reasons for this. One, much like love, I believe forgiveness – if it is genuine – is unconditional. No strings, ultimatums, or stipulations. Two, while I do believe it is natural for people to want to protect themselves, true forgiveness leans into second chances (and third and fourth and so on…). And three, I don’t think that Jesus – while hanging on that cross – thought, “Okay, I’m doing this so that My people are forgiven, but they only get [insert number here] chances, and then they no longer have a seat at my table.” That would have defeated the purpose of the cross altogether.

So I forgive other people. And I don’t attach a number to it. Or conditions. Not because I’m some superhero that never hurts – quite the opposite, in fact. But because Jesus forgives me daily. He doesn’t shun me…no matter how many times I mess up…or how many of the same mistake I repeat.

But I do have a problem forgiving myself. I have carried various levels of shame for a very long time – probably since I was a child. I do not know why it is easier for me to let others off the hook while holding myself to a much higher, much less compassionate standard. And I am working on it.

But if you ask me to name the things I hold over my own head, the monologue you would get in response would likely exhaust you.

(Honestly, I feel bad for my therapist.)

I have condensed the list for the sake of this blog.

1. The choices I made that hurt people I love. I carry regret for the ways my decisions have impacted my husband, my children, my family, and the friends I used to have. I am learning that acknowledging the hurt doesn’t mean I have to carry it forever, but I struggle with the fact that some of the choices I have made caused people I truly love to suffer.
2. The times I was dishonest. I think back to lies I told and information I omitted in order to avoid consequences, in order to be accepted, in order to keep peace, and I still carry a satchel of shame over the versions of myself I presented that were not authentic. I know why I did it. But that doesn’t negate the behavior.
3. The people I chose who were not good for me. I stayed in relationships that were not healthy, knowing they were hurting me, and I allowed people in my life who didn’t truly care much for me. I ignored red flags. I lost time, peace, and pieces of myself in the process – all for the sake of not being lonely.
4. The ways I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. I beat myself up for the moments I was selfish, distracted, impatient, emotionally unavailable, or overstimulated. I wish I had handled certain situations differently. I am learning to hold those moments with grace. I think it’s easy to forget that parents are humans, too.
5. The times I let my emotions make the decisions. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have, reacted instead of responding, and let hurt, anger, and fear drive my choices. I forgive myself for the times I made things worse instead of sitting with my emotions long enough that the fear subsided.
6. The dreams I delayed (or abandoned entirely). There are things I wanted for my life that I pushed aside – sometimes because of poor choices, sometimes because of circumstances, and sometimes because I didn’t believe I was competent. I need to let go of the time I’ve lost and the confidence I didn’t have. In reality, my goals have changed, and I look forward to using the next decade of my life settling into them. There is always something to work toward.
7. The ways I treated myself poorly. I tend to give everyone else a pass, but I’ve been hard on myself – for my appearance, my habits, and the neglectful things I have done to ensure that I am okay physically, emotionally, and mentally. In those seasons, I didn’t recognize my own value. And some days I still don’t. But at least I am making progress. I have begun therapy. I fast intermittently. I have a long overdue surgery scheduled for November. I’m getting there.
8. The times I knew better but did it anyway. I’ve compromised my values, ignored my convictions, and made decisions I knew were not right, because the urgency to pacify my feelings took priority over my character. In no way can I undo those decisions. But I am learning to sit in the consequences of them while making better ones today and in preparation for tomorrow.
9. The people I hurt with my words and actions. There are friendships, family relationships, and other connections that are likely forever damaged because I proved myself untrustworthy in my behavior…sometimes unintentionally…sometimes because I was self-focused. I am grieving those relationships, and I am letting go of people who no longer wish to be a part of my life. And I am trying to give myself grace for the pain I caused without justifying the ways I have affected others.
10. The fact that I am still “in progress.” I can be impatient with myself for how long healing takes, for the patterns I still fight, and for the areas where I haven’t “arrived” yet. I am not perfect. I am still learning, and I am still human. I am the person who has to be with me forever. It is probably best if I take the slow and steady route. Quick and easy fixes don’t usually last, and for me, those types of changes tend to be more performance based. And if I’ve learned anything in the last 40 years, it’s that performance gets me nowhere.

I am not who I was. And I am still learning who I am meant to be. I’m the same girl. With a little more grace and a lot more sense. I am more rooted in my values and less driven by perception. I am still becoming.