Raspberry Iced M

Sometimes I wonder who I’d be if I wasn’t always enduring.

If my choices had been better.
If my circumstances had been lighter.
Simpler.
Less complicated.

If I hadn’t spent so much time navigating consequences, emotions, relationships, and the weight of my own decisions.

Who would I be if I wasn’t always in the middle of something?

Sometimes I picture her.

The version of me who made better choices earlier.
Who didn’t have to learn everything the hard way.
Who didn’t carry so much history.

She seems…

…more confident…
…more stable…
…more free…
…less burdened…
…less exhausted…
…less ashamed.

And I had to stop. Because as much as I can imagine her, I don’t actually know her.

I only know this version of me. The one who has had to endure.

And that’s not glamorous. It hasn’t felt like strength. It has looked like sitting in consequence, living in regret, processing things I haven’t wanted to face, and choosing not to run when running has been easy for so many years.

It’s been slow. Ugly. Uncomfortable.

But it has changed me. Not in ways that are obvious to everyone else, but in ways I can feel.

I think more carefully now. I intentionally decide not to react to people who want to see me break. And I understand things I didn’t understand before.

Awareness changes everything.

I didn’t set out to become this version of myself. I didn’t want to learn everything this way. But here I am…not escaping, not numbing, not pretending. And I don’t know if a less complicated version of me would be wiser, or more grounded, or more honest. But I do know that endurance has shaped me in ways that comfort never could.

So I’m learning to stop comparing myself to someone who never existed, and instead, I have started trying to understand the one who does. And hopefully, someday, I won’t still wonder who I’d be if I wasn’t always enduring, because eventually, I will see who I ultimately fought to become intentionally.