Raspberry Iced M

“It’s the way I won’t…”

That’s how I know I”m changing.

My life doesn’t look dramatically different, and I haven’t suddenly become perfect. I still struggle.

But there are things in my life I will not do anymore.

1. I will not match your energy. The snark. The bad-mouthing. The gossip and other ugly language. The tug of war over minutiae. You can keep all of that to yourself. Over there.
2. I won’t run. If it creates relief instead of reflection, I probably won’t do it. I’m sitting in my emotions and letting the Lord use them to stabilize me. It’s not easy. But escaping pain and healing it are not the same thing.
3. I won’t react. I still feel all of it. The urge is still there. But I don’t make decisions anymore without seeking His guidance first. I will respond to you when I hear from Him.
4. I won’t abandon or erase myself. No matter what I have done, I am still here because I am valuable. Somewhere. Some way. My voice matters, too. The Lord requires us to live in peace insofar as it is possible, but if the only way I can avoid an argument is to shrink, then the foundation of that relationship wasn’t healthy in the first place. I will calmly, strategically, and politely, speak my mind when it is necessary.
5. I won’t chase. Confusion isn’t chemistry. If you don’t want me to be a part of your life, that is okay, and I totally get it. If my absence brings you peace, I will absolutely stay away and wish you well. But do not expect that I will follow. Those days are over. No graveling, no begging, no tentativeness. If you’d like to leave me, you have my blessing. And you can also live with that decision, because if you ever return – of your own free will – you will not find the same version of me. She won’t be cruel or unforgiving. But she also won’t depend on you to define her purpose.
6. I won’t hold grudges. There is nothing you can do to me that is more important what what He did FOR me. Our Creator holds our destinies. Do what you feel like you need to do, and then see how it plays out. I’ll be over here – sitting, worshipping, and growing.

I thought once that growth meant becoming someone completely new.

Now it feels more like restraint. Wisdom. Awareness. Like intentionally choosing a path that does not repeat what was once automatic. Not because temptation disappeared, but because my response to that temptation has been combative.