Raspberry Iced M

Mother’s Day came.

And instead of feeling celebrated, I felt heavy.

And that’s not the version of a holiday that most people post about. You know, the pictures that contain flowers and brunch and smiles and gratitude.

Don’t get me wrong – I put on the happy face and took some of those, too.

But there’s another version of this day that doesn’t make the highlight reels. Because it’s not glamorous or happy. In this version, moms sit with their thoughts longer than we want. And we realize that everything we’ve lost is also emphasized on this holiday.

I spent most of last weekend sitting on the couch, crying. I didn’t feel proud or accomplished. I thougth about all the things I wish I could change. All the things I should’ve done differently. I didn’t feel like celebrating. I was reflecting. And reflection can hurt.

There was about half a day when I thought, “It might be easier if I just wasn’t here.”

I didn’t want to feel the way that I felt. The regret. The loneliness. The distance. The heaviness. It was a lot to sit in.

But I promised myself, under deep conviction, that I wouldn’t run from discomfort.

So I stayed. It hurt. But at least it was honest.

Sometimes motherhood isn’t what we imagine. It doesn’t look like closeness or celebration. Sometimes we just show up quietly, love from a distance, and hold space for things we can’t fix.

And that version deserves acknowledgement, too.

But even in the middle of those emotions, I know that nothing is permanent. The sadness, while intense, shifts eventually. And the fact that I feel so deeply means I still care deeply.

I put on a smile and went to church with my boys. I cried during the service. I took pictures afterwards. My family went to lunch. And I didn’t fall apart, even though I didn’t “feel” much like honoring myself.

But maybe the fact that I got through it without following through on those thoughts that tried to convince me to disappear is progress in some way. To sit in grief is brave. And to not allow that grief to ruin a day that can be made good for other people is even braver.