Raspberry Iced M

As a follow up to yesterday’s piece about focus, I feel led to discuss things on which I will not be focusing.

Energy is a funny thing. We don’t always realize how much of it we’re giving away until we’re exhausted. And for most of my life, I handed mine out carelessly…to overthinking, to conflict, to needing answers, to manipulating situations that would make me seem more in control. And then I’d end every day wondering why I felt emotionally drained all the time.

But protecting my energy isn’t selfish. Sometimes it is necessary. And part of growing, for me, has been learning what should (and subsequently, what should not) occupy the real estate in my headspace.

With focus comes sacrifice. It is not advantageous to spend all of my tossing and turning on things (and people) that ultimately will not help me become the person I want to be. And so I am dedicated to pulling my energy back with respect to the following:

1. The opinions of others. This one has been so hard. I have given enormous amounts of energy to the way I am perceived. I have tried to explain myself, correct misunderstandings, prove growth. And I do care about living with integrity, but I no longer believe that I can change enough for certain people to update their opinions. A painful realization, yes. But a freeing one.
2. The need to defend myself constantly. The people who do not possess the capacity to see me differently are the same people to whom I have caught myself clarifying everything. Every assumption. Every misunderstanding. Every version of my story I thought someone had wrong – or – alternatively – if wasn’t “wrong,” I wanted to clarify my reasoning. But all of that just keeps old narratives alive. Some things are better answered with silence and action.
3. Imaginary outcomes. I am self-defined as a “snowball effect” girly. My mind has always been great at creating worst case scenarios, and I suppose that’s a coping mechanism. Preparing for the worst means I won’t be disappointed. And so I pondered future arguments, emotional catastrophes, and inevitable judgment and/or rejection, all while rehearsing my part of conversations that hadn’t happened yet. I can’t dwell on any of that anymore. If it isn’t happening right now, I need to learn not to live in it.
4. Unresolved questions that have no immediate answer. To need resolution immediately is a curse. The challenge for me is to not seek clarity or closure. Some solutions need an oven, not a microwave. And obsessing over them doesn’t produce answers faster. It only causes anxiety.
5. Controlling other people. I like predictability and clarity and knowing where I stand. But no amount of effort, explanation, or emotional investment can control another person’s choices. None of that is mine to manage, and I am committed to the practice of releasing it.
6. Emotional bait. I notice everything. Avoidance. Comments. Stories spun to suit someone else’s agenda. I notice hypocrisy. I notice indirect digs in the things my “friends” and family post on social media…by people who have yet to address any of their qualms directly to me, ironically. But not every comment deserves a response. Not every tone shift deserves analysis. And not every trigger deserves reaction. The people who won’t confront me directly…who harshly judge my decisions…who ignore and avoid and leave…are the very same people for which I have bent over backwards without expecting anything in return – even support, apparently. Regardless of “feeling,” there are very few things in my life that are actually urgent. And like water off a duck’s back, there is power in not taking the bait.
7. Revisiting old shame. Shame still tries to pull at me. I am frequently tempted to mentally ruminate on old mistakes, to replay regret, to re-punish myself. And while reflection is healthy, shame isn’t productive. Accountability is necessary, but I’ve already accounted for my mistakes, and repeatedly opening old wounds only prolongs healing.
8. Proving my worth. I intentionally saved this one for last, because it is the most important to me. Validation earned through dishonesty isn’t a goal worth setting, let alone achieving. To stretch myself thin so that everyone approves. To be less-than-truthful about who I am at my core so that others find me digestible. To shrink into doormat form so that being taken for granted was normal. To consume breadcrumbs as if they would fill me. To manipulate people with a distorted sense of what I thought I deserved, never recognizing that it was a form of self-sabotage. To allow others to manipulate me…or blackmail me…into submission. I was trying to be enough. I was trying to be chosen. And I was doing it all the wrong way. Worth isn’t something that can be manufactured by change or even nit-picked reality or exhaustion. I am worthy because I’m a human being. I am worthy because the Lord calls me His. And validation from things and people in this world is superfluous in comparison to where I am headed.

Truth. Peace. Discipline. Consistency. Prayer. Routine. Growth. All of that is where my energy is placed now. It’s one of the most valuable things I have. And every time I give it to chaos, fear, overthinking, or shame, that leaves me with less time for what actually matters. In the warmest way possible, I give myself the gift of intention. And who knows? Maybe that alone will change everything.