Raspberry Iced M

People talk about “boundaries” constantly these days.

“Set boundaries.”
“Protect your peace.”
“Cut people off.”

I can empathize with the heart behind those phrases, but I don’t think boundaries are always defined – or used – appropriately. That term has been oversimplified, like setting a boundary is magic.

In my experience, sometimes we can express a boundary clearly, and the situation remains exactly the same.

And that’s when being “woke” is no longer helpful.

First, what is a boundary? It’s not controlling another person. It’s not, “You must change.” It is, “This is what I will do in response.” Boundaries are about governing yourself, not managing someone else.

Second, how can we know when a boundary is necessary? The answer is different for everyone, so I’ll share a few of my own criteria:

• Resentment is building constantly;
• I feel repeatedly emotionally depleted;
• I continue to abandon my own needs;
• The same issue continues without resolution;
• I start to react instead of staying grounded; or
• I am tolerating what is actively harming my stability.

For me, a boundary becomes necessary when continuing “as-is” begins damaging my emotional health, integrity, or ability to function well.

Thirdly, boundaries are not punishments. The motive behind a healthy boundary is not revenge, or the silent treatment, or manipulation, or attempts to “teach someone a lesson.” A healthy boundary is clarity. It says, “I cannot continue engaging this way without consequence to my well-being.”

But the hardest part is when nothing changes. And it’s painful. I have only effectively set two healthy boundaries in my entire life. I communicated clearly, I explained calmly, I stated my needs honestly. And the other parties still didn’t change. They didn’t hear me. And they didn’t meet the need.

And to be honest, I think it was because I was the one setting the boundary. Had it been anyone else, the boundary would’ve been understood.

And that reality hurts.

But boundaries cannot force emotional immaturity or empathy or effort. And they can’t force someone to prioritize the same things that I prioritize. That’s just the difficult truth. Sometimes boundaries reveal more than just this issue. Sometimes they reveal the limits of the relationship itself.

When I set my very first boundary almost 10 months ago, the other person left. And when I set the second, my character was attacked – not to my face, but to people in my life, now, that I truly love.

So what do we do when the boundary changes nothing?

Answer: We stop waiting for the other person to create peace for us.

Instead, we begin deciding what we can realistically control now.

In Boundary Scenario Number 1, I couldn’t control the fact that I was left. And in Boundary Scenario Number 2, I couldn’t control the other person’s mouth.

But in each scenario, I can control my participation, my exposure, my expectations, my emotional investment, and my responses.

The hard truth is that sometimes circumstances stay the same. Sometimes the relationship doesn’t transform overnight. The coparenting doesn’t suddenly become easy. The other person doesn’t become who you hoped they would become.

And at that point, the work becomes internal.

I think TikTok-Pop-Culture Therapy tends to portray boundaries as exits.

But the healthiest boundaries are quieter than that.

Less contact. Different expectations. Less emotional chasing. More acceptance. More regulation.

Sometimes the boundary is, “I will no longer destroy my own peace trying to force this situation to become something it’s not.” And when we think about it that way, boundaries are less about controlling circumstances and more about remaining emotionally intact inside of difficult circumstances. That’s much harder, but much healthier.

Setting a boundary does not guarantee change. Sometimes it reveals change wasn’t in your control to begin with. And I know as much as anyone how discouraging that can be. But there is also something freeing about that. Because once I stopped trying to control everyone else, I had enough energy to take care of myself.