Raspberry Iced M

No one has asked me for specifics, but in the spirit of transparency, I’ll share something current…something personal.

I was a “church kid.” My daddy was (and still is) a Sunday School teacher. He sang in the choir. He led praise and worship. He’s been in a quartet for 25 years.

When I turned 18, I stopped going to church because no one “made me.” I had my own agenda, my own priorities (mostly myself), and freedom.

And to give you a very brief overview of some of the things that have happened to me in the last 20 years…

I got pregnant at 18. I wasn’t married. I got married at 19, while pregnant, and had my daughter 5 months later. I got pregnant again at 21 with my son, and he was born 5 weeks after I turned 22. I left the kids’ dad when my son was 4 months old, endured a 3 year custody/divorce battle.

I got remarried at 26…to someone I dated for a very long time. It was a long distance marriage that lasted about 3 seconds. Our divorce was final in 2015.

I attended various churches very briefly during those 7 or 8 years. I’d go until I made a mistake or until I made an impulsive, reckless decision. And then I’d stop. Because I couldn’t handle the conviction.

I also met my third husband in 2015, and things moved pretty fast. We moved in together in February 2016 and got engaged in July that same year. My husband wasn’t raised in church like me, so we began attending a small church not far from our house. We went to pre-marital counseling, and that pastor is the one who “married” us in March 2017. My husband was baptized under this pastor, and we were in a good place.

But a month after we got married, our pastor resigned, which put a bad taste in my husband’s mouth. So we stopped going again.

Fast forward to this time last year. My daughter moved out. Because of me. And I had lost another relationship that had defined me…that had taken up a lot of my time…for several years prior, making other people in my life – my husband, my kids – feel neglected.

So as you can imagine, I was in a pretty dark place in August of last year. I was grieving the loss of a couple of different people. I was sad and lonely and broken.

And one day I was doom-scrolling on Facebook and saw an ad for a church that I’d never heard of before. And even in all of my brokenness…in all of my running…in all of my avoiding and excusing and dismissing…the Holy Spirit quietly nudged me.

Here. Go here. Try this one.

So that next Sunday, I did.

And we’ve been going ever since.

The church I attend now is very different from the one I grew up in. It’s considered “non-denominational.” It’s not a “mega church,” but it was large a year ago, and it has grown since then.

Teenage me would’ve probably judged Now me for attending a non-denominational church. As the saying goes…we all think our own crows are the blackest. And I remember, as a teenager, feeling like the Church of God denomination was the only “correct” one.

I was wrong.

So our church, as a collective, for the last 21 days, has been participating in “21 Days of Prayer.” Each day was assigned to a different prayer topic, the goal being to unify as a church.

And I was faithful about praying for each specific assigned topic.

And it has changed me.

I won’t pretend to be completely delivered from all of my less-than-favorable personality traits, or addictions/vices. And I won’t pretend that every prayer was answered in the way I anticipated. In fact, some of my prayers remain unanswered…or at least…not answered yet.

But other things – things I didn’t specifically pray for over those 21 days – have shifted.

• I was able to address an accusation from a place of grace and not anger or emotion.
• I didn’t cry myself to sleep as often.
• I was more focused on my current choices and not as focused on my past.
• I was blessed with a very large paycheck.
• I learned why prayer is important.
• I realized that the world is so much bigger than the little hole I have carved out for myself.
• I was reminded that the way He answers our prayers is not always how we’d prefer or expect.

There are a few things I’ve been praying for over the last year. And I know He can hear me.

But He hasn’t answered those prayers yet…those specific prayers. But He has opened my eyes to look at a bigger picture. To see things from a different perspective.

I have been praying for a year for my daughter’s return. And she hasn’t come home. She hasn’t spoken to me in one year.

But…

The Lord has reminded me that my daughter’s happiness may only exist in my absence. He has reminded me that I can still become someone I can tolerate in her absence. And He has provided opportunities and challenges in relationships with people who don’t “matter” to me as much as my daughter – and perhaps those challenges were tests.

I have been praying for healing for my husband. And my husband is still battling terminal illness.

But…

He has blessed me with an amazing job that allows me more time to provide care. And that same job pays such that finances are no longer a worry, if and/or when my husband becomes too sick to continue to work. He has blessed my husband with an empathetic, compassionate team of doctors and nurses who are more than qualified to treat his illness. And He has blessed us with opportunities to spend quality time together, as opposed to what we were doing before, which was exist around each other while the metaphorical time bomb ticked away in the background.

I have been praying for a better relationship with my siblings…for another chance…an opportunity to make things right. And He hasn’t answered that prayer.

But…

He has prompted me to consider that I am allowed to better myself – for myself – no matter who walks out of my life. He has given me an opportunity to consider how I will handle forgiveness differently now that I have experienced loss like this. And He has given me the grace I need to be lonely without reacting haphazardly to that loneliness.

The Lord sees things we cannot see. He is so much more powerful than our human minds can conceive. So much more merciful than we can comprehend. He operates on a completely different wave of time than we do, such that He sees the future, and thus, a much bigger picture. And I am relying on His bigger picture and the plan He has inside it. I am learning to accept the consequences of my past…while also remaining aligned in the present…while also remaining hopeful for the future.

If you have been praying for something specific – and would like a prayer pal – please send me a message. I would love to pray for you.