Raspberry Iced M

I plan. I’m a planner.

It’s the execution part that stresses me out.

Lists. Checked boxes. Bullet points. All neatly looped together with perfectly colored highlighters and my favorite pens.

For a long time, I thought being productive meant crossing things off of that list.

If I was constantly moving…answering emails, scrubbing counter tops, decluttering, or otherwise solving problems, then I was obviously making progress.

Right?

Not necessarily.

I’ve learned that there is a difference between being productive…and simply staying busy.

Busy feels important. It gives me a strange sense of accomplishment. My calendar is full. My bullet journal is in pristine condition, equipped with trackers and themes and doodles. My task list is on constant cycle.

And somewhere along the way, I started wearing exhaustion like a badge of honor, like I’ve somehow earned the right to exist in the world because I can truthfully say, “I’ve just been so busy.”

But in my life, sometimes “busy” is just another way of avoiding things that matter the most.

If I’m busy, I don’t have to think about the past. I don’t have to miss my daughter. I don’t have to RSVP to a lunch invitation. I don’t have to worry over my health or church attendance. I don’t have to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

Busy often distracts. When I’m anxious, I think I become extremely productive. Or at least it looks that way on the outside. I’ll organize a drawer or answer emails or rearrange a bookshelf. I’ll research something I don’t actually need to know. Order a new area rug. Or – yes – I’ll admit it – draft a blog post. Anything…except the thing that’s actually bothering me.

Busy asks, “What else can I fit into today?“

But productivity has purpose. It’s not about doing “more.” It’s about doing what matters. Sometimes the most productive thing I accomplish all day is having a difficult conversation I’ve been avoiding. Or cry into a pillow until “it” doesn’t hurt anymore. Or take a shower and get dressed when all I want to do is cry into said pillow.

Productivity can mean taking a walk to clear my mind. Or praying before making a decision. Or sitting quietly with my husband after dinner. Or watching a movie with my son in the dark, just for the sake of spending time with him.

Productivity builds. It asks, “What actually needs my attention?“

Jesus was never in a hurry – a concept that has never been lost on me, even if temporarily forgotten. He ministered for three years. He was followed – literally. He was constantly needed, being pulled in many directions. Yet He was never frantic. He stopped for interruptions. He took detours to reach certain groups of people. He withdrew to pray. He rested. He said no. Jesus wasn’t driven by urgency. He was driven by purpose. And that matters.

I am not great yet at measuring my days from a place of productivity. I stay busy because stillness makes me uneasy. Sitting means I have to think and feel and pray and process. Like I said, planning is my forte, and I think it’s because busyness gives me a good hiding place. But staying busy has convicted me in a way that has me asking different questions at the close of every day. Instead of tabulating how much I’ve gotten done, I wonder if I spent my energy on what mattered. If I loved well. Kept my word. Made room for the Lord. Moved toward the woman I want to become. Those things don’t always produce the longest checklist, but I am hoping they produce a meaningful life.

Some of the most fulfilling things don’t appear “productive.” Going to therapy. Reading the Bible. Taking a nap because your body tells you it’s time to take a break. Apologizing. Forgiving someone. Putting my phone down. Snuggling with my dogs. Laughing with my family. Listening instead of talking. Nothing that would earn me a promotion. But things that fill me up.

My ultimate goal isn’t to be the busiest person in the room. It’s not to fill every hour or impress people with how much I can juggle.

The goal is to create space for the Lord to – first – reveal to me what is important. And as those things have been revealed to me, I need to focus more on those things. The second goal is to build a life that reflects my values. And some days that means accomplishing a lot. Other days, it means sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee and asking the Lord to order my steps for the day.

Productivity isn’t necessarily measured by how full my calendar is.

It’s measured by whether the things filling it are producing the kind of life I hope to live.

Because at the end of my life, I don’t think people will remember many “good” things about me, least of all how busy I am. So the least I can do is the right thing – to the best of my ability – from here on out.

A full schedule and a full life are not always synonymous. It’s just up to us to decide which one packs the biggest punch.